Dear Anne
I have a problem with my relationship. Basically I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years and we got engaged two months ago. It took him a long time to propose. I don't think he was sure I was the right person for him. I think maybe I pushed him into it although he says not. Now, every time I try to talk about our wedding plans he gets very aggressive and shouts. He always says it's a 'taboo subject' and he 'does not want to talk about it'.
He has never been married before or been hurt in a relationship so I can't understand why he is being like this. It should be said that he won't get married to me till at least 2005. Even that's not certain and it could be longer so it's not as though we are getting married tomorrow. We will have been seeing each other for over 10 years then. Is he trying to tell me that he doesn't want me or to get married to me? Another thing is that he had to move out of his home three years ago and he came to live with me.
Do you think that he may just be using me, keeping me sweet with the idea of marriage? I hope you can advise. Dana
Dear Dana
I'm sorry you're feeling uncomfortable and insecure with your boyfriend. Let's see what's going on so that you have enough information to decide what to do.
You want to get married. He postpones any wedding plans, refuses even to discuss the issue, and attempts to blame his indecisiveness on you (perhaps by saying he wasn't sure whether you were the one for him). Does that sound to you like he wants to get married? The fact that he's lived with you for years seems on the face of it to show that he has no problem being around you. So do you think he might actually be afraid of commitment? Some guys are. Some women are. It's not necessarily about past relationship hurts. It can be because a person has inner doubts about his or her self-worth and so is scared of both intimacy and real commitment.
Many times the partner who seizes upon these doubts and thinks, Right, I'll show him I won't abandon him and then he'll be fixed and grateful so he'll marry me. This is a really bad plan because nobody can fix anybody else. In such situations, even assuming the couple eventually go ahead and get married, chances are that it won't be such a good relationship because there'll probably be other taboos and no go areas. But that's in general terms. What about your own situation?
He gets aggressive if you raise subjects you want to talk about. Is that valuing your feelings or respecting you? Are there other instances where you have to hide your feelings? Or where he discounts your wishes? Do you sometimes feel you have to do things his way or he'll punish you with his moods, or worse, walk out on you? Are you feeling used or cherished? By refusing to set a definite date, is he behaving in reliable ways and allowing you to build up trust? Is he able to plan and then act to carry out his plans, or does he mistrust himself? Does he offer reassurance? Do you feel comfortable if you ask for reassurance?
You know your boyfriend better than I do. You'll have more knowledge on which to base your speculations about whether or not he's using you. Even if he is using you, that's not to say he'd be doing so consciously. He might be unaware of his motives. People often don't really understand why they do things. But if your feelings are sending you the message that you're being used, are you going to heed them? After all, our feelings are there to protect us.
It seems like you and this guy want different things. He wants peace and quiet, no challenges, no change or real commitment. You want to be loved and valued and you want to know where you stand. Neither of these are unrealistic positions but are they really compatible? And if you don't value your feelings, why should he?
You may be thinking, But I can't leave him! I love him! In which case, does your definition of ideal love mean someone who dominates you emotionally and discounts your feelings? Or you may be thinking, I can't leave him because I'd be on my own. In which case you're discounting the fact that you're obviously attractive (you've got this guy, haven't you?) and that you can do things differently, including building up your self-confidence and finding someone who does want the same things as you.
The choice, of course, is yours. Good luck!
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