Dear Anne
Every weekend I go to a night club with a group of friends. We see the same faces and always have a good time. I have been sleeping with one of the door staff from the club for the past 10 months. When we first started sleeping together he had a girlfriend and really I didn't want any more so that was fine. Of course after a while I started to feel more for him and began to fall in love. He split up with his girlfriend about 3 months ago. We do see each other quite a bit, and it's not just sex because we do other things and talk and text regularly also. I do want more though. We have talked and although he does want to settle down he does not want to rush into anything yet as he has been in and out of relationships for the past 8 years.
I respect this but I don't know how much longer I can wait. The whole situation is eating away at me. The other problem I have is that a lot of the other doormen tell me he has been sleeping with other women. This obviously really upsets me but it could just be the doormen winding me up, as I do go there a lot and it is known that we have been seeing each other for a long time.
This whole 'relationship' has really been quite destructive for me from the beginning but I love being with him and cannot imagine us not having the friendship there even if we have nothing else. I don't want to think of him with these other women. Is he just stringing me along with the prospect of having a relationship to keep sleeping with me? This sounds like such a minor problem. But for 10 months I've not looked at another man and I feel completely exhausted with it all.
I get myself so worked up and upset to think he could be with another woman. It got so bad at one point that I started self-harming and cut my legs quite badly. This is not the first time I have done this, although it is not a regular occurence either. I need to know whether he is trying to have the best of both worlds and is it worth me holding onto what I do have because something may or may not come out of this?
I just don't know what to do any more but I don't want to wait around for another 10 months to pass! Just please don't tell me to move on or forget him because I really have tried and I just can't. I want him so much. Thanks. Charlotte
Dear Charlotte
I'm sorry you're finding this relationship or lack of it so distressing. I'm not going to tell you to move on because it's your decision and at the moment you're feeling stuck. Let's see what might help you to get yourself unstuck.
Right now you seem to be concentrating your energies on thinking about this guy: what he's up to, what he wants, where he wants your relationship to go ... And what are you getting out of that? While you're hoping that thinking about things from his side will give you clues about what to do, isn't what you're actually getting a lot of hurt? Are you ready now to try things from a different angle?
