Dear Anne
My life is very complicated right now. I've been dating this guy for 2 years. All was good in the early months. He was a thorough gentleman until he left to work overseas for a year. When he came back, he was a changed person. He's always trying to prove a point and argues with anything I say. He's become very rude and mean. He cribs about me meeting my friends but goes and meets his. Recently I got to know that he's a year younger to me, which he lied about in the beginning. He has had a colourful past and expects me to look glamorous at all time. He always criticises my dressing and everything about me. He keeps comparing me with his exes which I hate. All this has made me really sick mentally and I feel very disinterested with my life. I have spoken to him about this on several occasions but it's of no use. I also tried to break up but I can't stick to it. To top it all I'm working with him on a project where again he tries to prove that I don't do any work so he has to do it for me. I'm really fed up. I love him a lot but I don't think he's the same person I fell in love with. I don't know what to do ... Please, please help me. Meya
Dear Meya
Anyone would be upset if their loving partner constantly belittled them and compared them to (allegedly) more glamorous exes. You and he haven't been able to discuss this in a problem-solving way so naturally you feel stuck. What you want is to get back the loving man he used to be, so your thoughts are always in the past where things were good or in the future where you hope they'll be good again. But we live in the present. Here and now is where you need to do something different.
Good love means you're accepted and valued, warts and all. Good love doesn't try to change or control you. Instead you feel supported, nourished and cherished, and you celebrate each other's achievements. You have effective, mutually respectful problem-solving tactics and you're comfortable in each other's company. But that isn't what you've got, is it? What you've got doesn't look good from here.
So what might you do differently? I hope you'll begin by talking things through with your GP because it sounds as though you may be starting to suffer from depression. If so, appropriate short-term medication plus a talking therapy are the quickest way back to positive thinking and enjoying life. As you rebuild your confidence you'll find you have more options available to you.
You could write down how many hours each day you're happy with him. Is that more or fewer than the hours you're unhappy about your relationship? You could list briefly the behaviours which have led you to try to break up with him. You could list what you'd like to have in a relationship, and compare it with what you've been getting. Then you could either decide to finish with him once and for all or invite him to couples counselling. If he's not willing to make changes, then accept that this is how your relationship would always be - unless you break it off.
If you decide to fly solo for a while, here's how to make it a rewarding adventure. Spend more time with your friends, maybe just sharing a moan and then having great girlie giggles. This will remind you what nourishing relationships are about. Make your chosen environment as nice as you can so it's a pleasant refuge for you and a welcoming space for your mates. Widen your range of activities, both individual and in groups. Assuming you're reasonably fit (ask the doc if you're not sure) take around 20 minutes' exercise each day, whether that's a swim, a dance class, a session at the gym, a walk in the park or anything else that appeals to you. This stimulates feel-good hormones. Invest more energy in your career as well as your interests. Things you put energy into become more interesting as you do so. And remember that your lovability isn't defined by one person. You deserve good love, and that starts with loving yourself. For ways to do that, why not work through Shakti Gawain's Creative Visualisation?
In the meantime, why not talk to other colleagues, perhaps ones with whom you're friendly? Send them daily emails saying what you've accomplished, and ask them to keep these as a record for your boss. You could tell HR or your line manager how X has been appropriating your ideas and denigrating you, which is a form of workplace bullying, keeping a note (with dates and times) of each instance of this. If you're in a union, ring their helpline or talk to your union representative. If you're not, go to www.tuc.org.uk for more information on handling workplace bullying. Tell your (erstwhile) partner calmly while you're at work that you don't like his undermining you and ask him to stop. (The key point here is being assertive, which is neither passive nor aggressive.) Unless you take this bullying seriously, no one else is going to.
I do sympathise and I wish you self-respect and good love. Which has to come from someone who's willing and able to give it. All the best.
