Dear Anne
Even though I am very successful I am often very sad. I don't seem to have friends. I follow them around and keep opinions to myself. I usually just pick a booth in the cafeteria and wait for someone to sit down. I am very shy and don't say much. Should a twelve-year-old girl be feeling this way? Am I sad because I feel like I have no friends? Morgan
Dear Morgan
I'm sorry you're feeling shy and out of things. This is extremely common but perhaps more so as you're growing up. In theory the constant contact with other people that school offers is a way of teaching socialisation skills but it's a very hit and miss way of giving this knowledge, and it invites all sorts of unkindnesses too. You are not alone in feeling isolated so please don't beat yourself up because up to now you've believed that girls of 12 shouldn't feel this way. You're allowed to feel the way you're feel but don't you want to use those feelings to spur you onto doing something more rewarding?
What choices do you have for making the changes you want? Plenty! Perhaps your first step could be recognising that you have a lot going for you. How about valuing the successes that you have achieved? I%u2019m sure you realise that success in academic areas is partly inherent ability but also a lot of hard work. Now you can use your excellent insight to develop a strategy that will get you the friends you long for.
The techniques you have developed hanging around others, saying little, waiting and hoping to be included haven't had the results you wanted, so what about observing others who have achieved popularity and seeing how they do it? As you leave a lesson you could break the ice by making a comment about it to someone you think might be approachable. Miss So-and-So is really boring, isn't she? is one that springs to mind. By including the question part on the end (isn't she?/don't you think?) you're inviting a response. Most people will respond in a relatively positive way, but some people are just unpleasant or are having a bad day so please don't give yourself a hard time if you don't immediately get the welcome you deserve. And allow yourself to enjoy each small success!
People also like being helpful because it makes them feel valuable, so you could ask someone if they can explain how to do Question 6 or whatever. Or, of course, you could help out someone who's stuck, but don't let yourself become a dogsbody! Your feelings are your guide. If it feels good, do it again!
Paying a compliment (I like your hair that way or I really admire your serve in tennis) can be good too. People like others who make them feel good about themselves. Compliments need to be sincere, and one a day per person is quite enough!
Even if it's not your first choice, it can be very useful to join in clubs. Drama is a good one because it involves lots of interaction, but art, photography, languages, swimming or whatever can be good too. Then you have the activity in common so you can exchange ideas about that. They don't have to be school clubs. Leisure or arts centres offer activities too.
Each time someone responds positively to you, realise that means you're interesting, valuable, fun or nice. (If they ignore you or respond negatively, that's because they're unpleasant!) Labelling yourself negatively is counter-productive because it tends to make you feel shyer. You may make mistakes we all do but you are more than one action. Find good things about yourself. You're allowed to accept your good points after all, they're part of reality but boasting to others puts people off.
To you, and to all the other shy people out there, I assure you that being lonely now doesn't mean you'll always be lonely. You can learn to do different things, meet new people and above all, you can learn to value yourself. If what you've been doing so far hasn't worked, you can do something different!
Good luck, Morgan. I wish you a brilliant social life and the more you imagine yourself surrounded by people responding positively to you, the sooner it'll happen!
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