Dear Anne
I have never been�able to orgasm. I am a women aged 24 and have five children. My first sexual experience was not pleasant to say the least. I lost my virginity at 12 to a boy I really didn't want do have sex with. Most of the relationships I have had have been pretty bad. The man I am with now is 16 years older�than me. We have been together for 10 years & married for 5. Four of the children are his but the last one isn't. He has been physically and mentally abusive to me. I had an affair last year for ten months and got pregnant.
My husband and I split up for a short time, but we got back together and started trying again. This time we are getting on really well. We are not fighting very much and there is no abuse. I didn't tell my husband about not being able to orgasm till we got back together . I have always found it hard to relate to men sexually, due to my mum who was sexually abused by my grandad . As a result she made me aware of the bad side to sex, rather than the good sides! This was done from a very young age .Please would you give me some advice? Anonymous
Dear Anonymous
I'm sorry that you've been having such a tough time of it. However, you are now learning new ways to relate to yourself and to men, and as you become more confident you will no longer tolerate abuse. This is a great step forward and I congratulate you on your journey towards self-realisation.
A part of this is your learning to claim your own sexuality. While you received your mother's indoctrination from a young age, her views are not the only ones possible, and you can now learn to update your own views.
Men are not all abusers. As you and your husband have discovered, even men who were abusive can learn new and more mature patterns of behaviour. As he begins to earn the trust you give him, you will hopefully be able to feel safer with him. I'm assuming, of course, that he is behaving respectfully towards you and valuing your feelings so that you can feel safe. You don't deserve abuse or neglect in any way, shape or form. If he does become abusive again, why not go to www.womensaid.org.uk? In any case, you could well find counselling useful to explore and update your attitudes towards sex. You can find one you like and are happy to talk to by ringing round those listed in Yellow Pages. It is probable that talking therapy with a woman counsellor will be most useful to you.
I hope your husband is not blaming you for your current feelings about sex. Lovemaking without feeling safe and cared for is not possible, so he has had an input in this too. Some men, however, feel that if their partner doesn't orgasm, it's a threat to their masculine performance and become blameful, which is neither helpful nor realistic.
Why not take the initiative and ask if your husband is willing to try sensate focus? This approach can have excellent results.
