Dear Anne
I have grown up with an abusive father (both verbally and physically), and a mother who ignores this completely. I feel so alone, and without hope. Sometimes I have considered suicide, but I have always chickened out when it came to the crunch. I just feel that there is no happiness in my life. I can't remember ever being happy. I sometimes feel 'content', but it's always such a superficial feeling, because I know that it is only on the surface and never reaches any deeper. I have trouble relating to other people, and trusting men. I have had a couple of relationships, but I have always complied with everything my partner said, and have become somewhat of a doormat to them. I just can't seem to get out of this rut and make myself move forward. I feel so trapped and scared, and I don't know what to do. Elizabeth
Dear Elizabeth
Thank you for your letter. I was sad to hear about the tough times you've had. I do understand that you've felt scared and trapped. I'm glad, though, that you've had the courage to go on living. There is a positive way forward so that you can begin to find happiness. The road may be rocky but lots of other women (and men) have travelled it and reached a sunnier, more rewarding way of life. You can read about some of them in Dr Susan Forward's excellent book Toxic Parents overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life. The real-life stories show how others have reclaimed their lives, and I hope you find it as inspiring as thousands of others have.
You didn't like it when your father and mother discounted your feelings, did you? As a survival strategy in that environment, you had to blank out what you felt, and I honour you for having the strength to build those defences at a time when you needed them. They got you through when you were young and helpless. Now, though, you're an adult and you've freed yourself from that situation. You're entitled to update your strategies for keeping yourself safe and getting your needs met. You are now allowed to start taking account of your own feelings. Your feelings matter. When you didn't take them into account, you behaved in ways where you describe yourself as a doormat. Feelings, though, are there for your protection. If you're unhappy, or scared, or angry, you can start doing something different to move away from pain and towards happiness. You may need to work up to trusting your feelings, and you can start doing this by acknowledging that you can feel what you feel and know what you know.
If you're feeling suicidal or just plain depressed it's a good idea to talk things over with your doctor. You don't need to be afraid that he or she will lock you away. You may be prescribed antidepressants which can help you find the strength to tackle the underlying causes, and your doctor may be able to offer you free counselling. Or you can find a counsellor privately. Counselling can be very useful, and Yellow Pages lists those in your area. It's OK to check out the counsellor's accreditation, and to find one you feel comfortable working with. The counsellor won't judge or criticise you.
You don't have to take your parents opinion of you or anything else. You are allowed to start finding out the things your upbringing didn't teach you. This includes learning how to build up your self-esteem. There may be confidence or assertiveness courses in your area, and libraries and bookshops have books you can work through, such as Super Confidence by Gael Lindenfield.
You are brave and have done well to survive so far. Now you can start making yourself a support network of friends. The more emotionally healthy you are, the more you will attract well-balanced and nourishing relationships, and the more strength and determination you will have to keep damaging people out of it. It may help you to start saying to yourself, I am now attracting supportive people into my life.
You deserve good things, and I hope you can begin to value yourself. I wish you confidence and hope. Good luck!Back to Ask Anne
