Dear Anne
My boyfriend is in a band and hopes to make it big. I feel he is more committed to his music than to me. He said he wouldn't want children in the next ten years. By then I'll be 39 years old. I do love him but I don't know if I want to give up my chance of having my own children. I don't know what to do for the best. I don't want to be without him, but I feel it's me giving up everything for him and his career. Any advice? Susan
Dear Susan
Anyone who wants to make a big success out of a musical career has to be dedicated. Everything else has to take second place. It takes a huge commitment in terms of time, money, energy and lifestyle. It means months on the road, and quite possibly the raunchy life-choices that go with that.
You say he's more committed to his music than he is to you and you obviously don't like it. You say you want children and he doesn't for the next ten of your child-bearing years. You say staying with him would mean giving up everything for the sake of his career, which he apparently values more highly than he values you.
I'm sorry to have put all this so bluntly, but it seems your feelings and your thinking have been sending you messages which you've been doing your best to ignore. It doesn't make them go away though, does it? But while you stick with him for those aspects which you do enjoy, aren't you making sure you're not free to find someone who wants the same things out of life as you do? There are plenty of guys in your age bracket who want a wife and family. Who will value you and share your desires. And who would be at home with you and the kids rather than on the road or in the studio. There's a lot to be said for stability!
You might choose to be grateful for the good times you and your feller have had together, then peacefully go your separate ways to personal fulfilment. Or you could continue putting your life on hold. The choice is yours.
I wish you love and joy and the courage to find it. Good luck!Back to Ask Anne
