Dear Anne
My friend is 12 years old and recently has claimed she has lost her virginity to a boy of 16. It is so obvious she is lying as she has never been that popular in the first place. Is she just doing this to get attention? We have tried many ways of confronting her but all have failed. What should I do? I am also vey worried because if this story gets further than our school she could get in a lot of trouble. She is a good Christian and does well in school so why would she sacrifice all this just to be "cool"? Also please don't tell me to confront her alone because I can't. She has this stupid sidekick who follows her around eveywhere telling me not to be mean to her. Please help! Emalie
Dear Emalie
Thank you for your letter. I can see you are very worried about your friend. It's good that you're concerned about her wellbeing and reputation. However, what I'm about to say is probably the opposite of what you want to hear.
What I''m wondering is why you think you're responsible for her. What grounds do you actually have for believing you should control what this girl says or does? You don't have to confront her. It's not your job!
One thing, though. If you are a friend to this girl, why do you want to label her unpopular and unable to attract boys? What you've been doing doesn't seem much like the actions of a friend to me! Perhaps, away from school where people see only aspects of her that they'd like to criticise, she blossoms. Even if, as you believe, she's making up her romantic liaison in an attempt to gain some sort of cool reputation, why do you need to kick that crutch out from under her? What skin is it off your nose? And since this girl and her other companion both seem to think you're being mean, aren't you at least willing to consider the possibility that your well-meaning efforts are coming across as hurtful? Yyou wouldn't like people interfering in your decisions and actions, would you? Hardly surprising, then, that this girl feels the same.
You've pointed out the possible consequences being thought a slag, a liar or someone who's unable to keep a secret - and beyond inviting her to be discreet, you can't reasonably do any more but be there for her if it all goes horribly wrong. After all, under-age sex is technically a crime, and can lead to sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy or heartache. And being there for her doesn't mean saying I told you so! It means being supportive, sympathetic and helping her deal with what happens. Meantime why not just be friendly with her in the other areas of her life, like schoolwork and social activities?
Well done for wanting to help, though, Emalie! I wish you happiness and peace of mind.
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