Dear Anne
I am a student living at home with my parents and brother. In a row between my mum and dad where each blamed the other for not calling us downstairs, he saw me and was verbally aggressive to me but Mum and I walked away. Then Dad came into the kitchen and threw the dishes in the sink. He was verbally aggressive to both of us then went to hit Mum, so I pushed him away.
This developed into a fight but fortunately my brother stopped him hitting me with a chair. Dad kicked me in the stomach, then pinned me down and slapped me repeatedly. Mum tried to get him off me but I shoved him away. He slapped me some more and degraded me, saying, It's over. I never want to see your face again. I have no respect for you. Leave this house and get a rented apartment,' and so on. I apologised for pushing him but he was still aggressive, and I'm afraid I provoked him more by saying, 'Go on, slap me again,' which he did.
Then I tried to stop him hitting my mum from the side by grabbing his arms. He replied, 'Let go or I will kick you.' I then in calm voice said go ahead but he calmed down. He got up off the sofa and walked past me saying, Take your mum and leave this house. I'm going to sell it. Then he went to bed.
I feel really bad about pushing my dad because it felt wrong but I was full of anger and I couldn't control myself. When I see my father getting angry and having a go at my mum it makes me angry. I feel that I may have pushed it too far with my father but I've had past experience where I couldn't do anything, which plays in my head and I know my dad can easily harm my mother. Now I don't what to do. I want to make everything better but I don't how to and I feel I should take the blame. Please help! Gag
Dear Gag
I am so sorry that you are having to go through such distressing experiences. Although I have presented a shortened version of your letter here, I appreciate how awful the whole sequence of events must have been for you, your mum and your brother.
You say you feel you should take the blame. Please don't! It isn't yours. Nobody deserves to be abused in this way by their father (or their husband). Your dad is an adult and has choices about how he tackles problems. He is responsible for his actions. Even if he's angry he doesn't have to be physically or emotionally abusive. He has choices. He could behave assertively; discuss things calmly; leave the room if he's getting stressed; just say how angry he is; ask for what he wants, all sorts of things. But he chooses to respond with verbal and physical bullying. It's the same with how he treats your mum. His actions, feelings and thoughts are his responsibility and nobody else's.
His cruelty in telling you and your mum to leave must hurt dreadfully. When he turns all his personal blame onto you in this way, it is a reflection of how badly he feels about himself. You are a worthwhile, lovable and valuable young man. Your feelings of helplessness come from the past when you were little and vulnerable and couldn't take action to protect yourself, your brother or your mum. Now, though, you are an adult and you have adult powers. You are doing well in pursuing your studies, particularly in such a disruptive environment, so congratulations on your determination.
I understand that you feel responsible for your mother's wellbeing, but you are not. She is an adult and has chosen to stay in this environment. Her reasons will no doubt be many and complex, but she may get a lot out of visiting the website at www.womensaid.org.uk or ringing the Women's Aid helpline on 0117-977-1888. As you will be aware, people who have been abused tend to have low self-esteem which can seem to limit their options. You, she and your brother might discuss going to a refuge (Women's Aid can let your mum know where the nearest one is). You might consider getting a vacation job so that you can contribute to a flat either for yourself or for all three of you. Social Services or even the police can be a lifeline, but if your mum isn't sure about what to do or how things would be financially, she might think about talking things over with a legal advisor for free at the Citizens Advice Bureau (number from Directory Enquiries).
You also say you want to make everything better. You can't make everything better for everyone else. You didn't build the whole family set-up, nor are you responsible for maintaining it. You are just one member of a group, and a junior member at that. You are not responsible for your mum or your brother, though I'm sure you care about them. All you can do is your best, and that has included writing in to find out more about how to handle all this difficult situation.
On the emotional front, you may get a lot out of the exercise at www.trans4mind.com/transformation/transform3.16.htm which helps you identify the boundaries between your emotions and your parents and let go of the ones that aren't yours. I highly recommend Dr Susan Forward's book Toxic Parents overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life. Knowing that your parents sometimes do things wrong isn't disloyal. It just makes them human. They do good things too, I'm sure. As a student you are also entitled to free counselling, which you may find very beneficial.
I do hope that you manage to move away from this painful situation, though it may take you a while, and that you discover your confidence in yourself. You have intelligence, kindness and many other good qualities and you're entitled to use them for your own benefit as well as for others. I wish you all the best. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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