Dear Anne
My daughter is 13 and I think she may be pregnant. She hasn't taken her period in 3 months, will not get the cervical cancer vaccination and I heard that she is sexually active. I've told her that if she ever fell pregnant under 21 years of age I would not have any contact with her. What should I do? Margaret
Dear Margaret
I sympathise with your anxieties. However, I cannot believe you are really so unsympathetic that you meant your cruel threat as anything but a means to help your daughter adhere to your moral code. As things stand, she may have felt too scared to talk about her worries or ask for your help. I hope you can reassure her that you do love her, explain that your words were intended as a warning you meant in her best interests, and let her know that despite what you had said you will of course support her whatever happens.
I don't know if your informant is reliable in telling you that your daughter is sexually active. On the subject of the injection, your daughter may have been alarmed by the unfortunate death from a tumour of schoolgirl Natalie Morton which coincidentally followed her vaccination. In any case erratic periods are fairly common in teens. She may or may not be pregnant, but she is likely to be anxious.
However, if you offer your daughter your unconditional love and support, you can ask her whether she needs to tell you anything. If she thinks she may be pregnant, you could take her to the Brook Advisory Clinics (www.brook.org.uk/content or she could ring their helpline on 0808 802 1234). There she can find a pregnancy test and counselling to help her make the best decision if she is pregnant: a termination, keeping the baby or having it adopted. They can also give or refer her to appropriate treatment and if relevant guide the young mother through the benefits system. They will give her advice about safe sex and contraception too.
While teen pregnancies are not ideal, they're not the end of the world. Most people nowadays are enlightened enough not to inflict any stigma on a girl who's made a mistake which will affect much of her life. There are schools for teenage mothers where they carry on with their ordinary lessons and take childcare classes too. Young mothers can go on to further and higher education because most colleges have an affordable crèche, or they can find work if they prefer.
As a mother, you have excellent coping skills. You recognise the practical difficulties but you'll know how to overcome them or to find solutions. Besides, babies usually bring love with them, don't they? Once parents work through their anger, they usually realise that the girl has been punished enough by her anxiety and by her new responsibilities. After the shock has worn off, just think of the new, innocent little person in the world to love you.
You and your daughter can work through this, and it'll be much easier all round if you do it together. I wish you, your daughter and the baby (if there is one) all the best.
