In Love With Same-Sex Teacher - Agony Aunt

Dear Anne

Lately I have started having these strange feelings for my female teacher. It started around Christmas. I thought that it might just be a crush but I think I love her. I am confused though because I am not a lesbian. I can't stop thinking about her. If I can't get help I might tell her. Please respond. Sarah

Dear Sarah

I can see from your letter that you're quite concerned about your feelings for your female teacher. It's a subject about which I get a lot of mail, and it's the cause of much heartache in young people. For you, and all the others in your position, here's an answer.

I'm sorry that you're so wound up about this. I do sympathise with the agony of unrequited yearnings. However powerful your feelings are, though, please be aware that almost all teenagers go through a stage where they rehearse emotional attachments. I'ts a normal, though uncomfortable, part of growing up, because learning to deal with one set of new emotions yours, in this case is safer than plunging into a real relationship where two people's wishes can clash. Quite often these attachments are very strong, though they seldom last for more than 6-12 months. Usually they're for somebody who is unattainable. In many cases they are for someone of the same gender. It doesn't mean you're necessarily a lesbian. Longing for love to be returned can get mixed up with a kind of hero-worship which has elements of wanting to be like that wonderful, attractive older person.

The feelings you're experiencing are a heady cocktail. In many ways they seem like love. You feel thrilled when you see her, excited when you fantasise about what you might do together, happy about the way she responds to you in your imagination. But this relationship only exists in your imagination, doesn't it? Real people don't always behave in the way we'd like them to. Love cannot be a one way street. Only when love is shared can it be genuine. And if your adored teacher were to reciprocate, her career would be destroyed. She would be ostracised by her colleagues, possibly taken to court and probably unable ever to return to the work she has chosen.

You might also consider the consequences for yourself. Where do you want this relationship to go? Do you want to give up your education to be with her? Deny yourself the possibility of having boyfriendss? Having children? Do you see yourself living with this woman? How could she treat you as an equal partner? How would you support yourselves? What would your parents, your friends and your other teachers say to you and about you? What if it turned out that like most first loves, this one came to grief? And what if she didn't feel the same way? How would you feel then?