Dear Anne
I have fancied a very good friend of mine for about 2 years now and found out last week that he feels the same way about me. We went out for a drink the other night and when he took me home he ended up kissing me. I was over the moon that he had finally showed me the affection I craved from him. The problem is that now he is ignoring me. I think that I have fallen in love with him. What should I do? Emma
Dear Emma
These emotional roller-coasters have great impact on us, but they're not exacxtly comfortable, are they? The trouble is, they're based largely on fantasy. You hug your dreams to yourself, enjoying imagining out what he's going to do and how good it's all going to be.
But then it isn't. Although he fancies you, that in itself isn't much of a basis for a relationship. The fact that he can kiss you and then ignore you doesn't say much for his way of showing affection, does it? Is that what you want from a relationship?
The difference between love and infatuation is that real love is stable and you don't get these horrible ups and downs. Your beloved treats you with constant kindness and affection and doesn't suddenly behave in inexplicable ways without telling you what's going on.
I am sure that being ignored doesn't figure in your dreams of love. Nor does your definition of a good lover include someone who blanks you. How about letting yourself fancy peole who can do closeness, and who don't take two years to show you they care. Don't you want someone who's comfortable enough with their feelings to act on them assertively? Your valuableness doesn't disappear just because this guy has stopped behaving well towards you. And since you've attracted one guy, you know you can attract others.
So, Emma, you have choices. You can be angry about what a big let-down this guy turned out to be. You can realise you don't like being hurt so you won't go out with him again. And you can decide right now that you're worth more than that, so you won't waste time on fantasies about real people any more.
Or you can wait around for this bloke to turn up again and sweep you off your feet for another five minutes before dropping you like a Barbie doll. But I'm sure you've got too much sense for that and you'll get on with the rest of your life until you find an emotionally available man to share your affection with. Good luck!
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