Dear Anne
I'm a guy and I knew this girl really well as friend. I asked her out and we went out and were like boyfriend and girlfriend. After a week, she said that she didn't want me as a boyfriend, just as a friend. I really loved her and I feel really depressed now. I feel a little suicidal. Please help! Kieran
Dear Kieran
I'm sorry you're feeling so low. It's hard when a relationship breaks up, particularly if you started out with high expectations. But what can you do about how you feel?
It can help to start by thinking what you have really lost, rather than what you're afraid you might have lost. At the beginning of relationships we often build up pictures of what we'd like to happen in the future. We see ourselves and the new partner going through life having fun and being supportive of one another. We can sometimes let that beautiful picture fog the reality. You can still go out and have a laugh. You can still talk to other people and enjoy the company of friends, or make new friends. There are other girls, some of whom will be good company for a while and who may turn out to be a great emotional fit for you. You can still do all the things you could do before, and you still have all the skills and abilities and good qualities that you had while you were with that girl and before. So what you've actually lost is a girl who wasn't the wonderful, faithful lover you'd hoped she'd be. Now she's gone you have the chance to look for someone who'll suit you better which includes displaying more loyalty than this girl showed you.
If you're feeling suicidal it's important to talk to your doctor about what's going on for you. He may be able to prescribe medication so that you feel more able to tackle the underlying causes of your low mood. He may also recommend counselling, which can help you feel more confident. Your self-esteem doesn't rest on whether this one girl out of all the people in the world likes you as a boyfriend. Confidence comes from within. A lot of the pain of separation comes from what we think about ourselves when it happens and it happens to everybody at one stage or another! You have many good qualities you're literate and can use the internet for starters and you're caring and loving. These are all aspects which thousands of girls are seeking in a boyfriend. You're attractive or she wouldn't have gone out with you in the first place. That means other girls will find you attractive too. You are also friendly, so it won't be too long before a nicer girl comes along. It can help to make a list of all the people who have ever shown they like you, even if it's just a smile from a passing stranger.
Now you're allowed to use your caring aspects to look after yourself in ways that feel good to you. It can help to treat yourself for a week or two as though you're recovering from flu. Be good to yourself. You can do things that feel nurturing and self-supportive, whether that's having your favourite foods or getting out videos you'd enjoy. You can phone friends, take up a new hobby or go back to an old one. You can also work through inspirational books like Brian Roet's The Confidence to Be Yourself.
I think you deserve a good, loving girlfriend. Now you're free to find one and to realise that your best relationship is with yourself. Good luck, Kieran.Back to Ask Anne
