Dear Anne
I am a 17 year old and I have a problem. Last weekend I went out to a club and i had a bit to drink. I was a bit funny but not sick or really drunk. I started talking to this guy I only kind of know and we started kissing. Afterwards we went somewhere private. I know I shouldn't have but I did. He put my hands down his pants and then kept asking me to give him oral sex. Eventually I gave in.
I feel so disgusting and ashamed and I don't know what to do. I really hate him now and I hate myself for doing it. I know it could have been worse because he tried to go all the way but I really would never let him do that. Now I feel horrible. I am worried that he might tell someone and I will get a name. I am so ashamed. Please help me. I can't face seeing him again. Sharon
Dear Sharon
It's a terrible feeling, isn't it? Knowing that you can get carried away when you're a bit merry is a useful piece of information. You may have paid an emotional price to get this knowledge but it can help keep you safe in future. I'm sure you've decided that from now on either you'll alternate alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks, or you'll drink only in safe places and with friends who'll keep you safe.
However, it's worth putting a bit of perspective on your one lapse. There will have been thousands of girls up and down the country doing the same thing as you that night, and for much the same reason. Many of them probably feel the same shame and determination not to let it happen again. On the other hand there are bawdy ladettes rampaging the streets of the costas as well as the centres of British cities. They'd laugh at the very idea of feeling shame over what you did. You haven't risked pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease. Nor have you decided that you'll have to love this guy now, which is extremely wise of you.
You don't have to hate either this lad or yourself. So long as you don't repeat your mistake, you're hardly likely to have lost your reputation. If you do happen to bump into him again, he may be as ashamed as you are. Then again, he might not even remember it if he was drunk too. Even if he is childish enough to make a rude comment, you don't have to take his opinion. Why not make light of it? You could always just tut and roll your eyes to Heaven and say something like, You wish! And, of course, make sure that you're never alone with him again. Oh and I wouldn't go telling your mates about this, either. Some of them might just think it's funny so you're better off keeping it to yourself. In any case, gossip has a short shelf-life so things probably won't be a fraction as bad as you're imagining.
After all, why take anybody else's opinion of you? You know you're not like that and you're going to make sure you don't behave like that again. And don't worry. Your feelings of shame will pass in time. One day this will just be a memory. Good luck!Back to Ask Anne
