Dear Anne
I've been married only four years. Just after we got married my man said we don't need to have sex like we used to because we are married now. We are 58 and 56. He is always out late working and stays up late till I go to sleep then comes to bed. I feel that he just doesn't want to be with me.
He never has anything to say and if I talk to him he either gets mad or just doesn't listen to me. He calls when he is on his way home from work at 9:00-10:00 at night so I can put food on table. I feel used and unloved by him. He can talk for a long time to his friends on the phone but my not say anything to me. When he is home he turns the TV up, eats supper then goes into his office to work and talk on the phone. He never calls me by my name even to his friends. I want to know what I need to do to get him back in touch with me as a wife and friend again. I feel so alone.
We have a nice house and he says that is why he has to work so hard. But I feel it is not all work. It is getting to me health-wise. I just want him to want me. If I try to talk to him he says, Don't start that again or If you don't trust me... He had other women before when he was married for 27 years. So what do I say or do? I need for him to love me and to let me know he cares, if he does. I feel so alone all the time. I was always the kind of a person that went fishing and to the coast at least once a month and did whatever I wanted to do. Now he thinks I need to do all the things around the home and have no other life. He wants to know where I am but I never know where he is. All I get is a call from his mobile phone and then a call again when he heads home. Can you help me? Tx
Dear Tx
I'm sorry you're finding your marriage so much less fulfilling than you had hoped. It's not comfortable feeling obliged to do all the housework and so on while getting little in the way of appreciation. So what could you do differently to get more of what you want?
Firstly you have one big advantage. He's not around during the day so are you willing to expand your social life and build up some interesting activities for yourself then? That way you will be having some of the pleasure and companionship you'd like. You don't say whether you also work, but if you do, is it an opportunity to make new friends? And does it mean that you contribute enough financially so that you don't feel obliged to take sole responsibility for the chores? In even the best of marriages it's unrealistic to expect your partner to fulfil all your social needs, so having friends is important. Pleasure is the greatest antidote to stress so you may find too that your health improves with greater variety in your life.
Often it's hard when you're feeling hard done by to communicate clearly and simply what you want. So many resentments have built up that some women launch into criticism and major nagging. Not only doesn't that work, it puts you both on opposite sides.
