Dear Anne
I am a 26-year-old Indian not-yet-married working female. A couple of months back my boyfriend, with whom I had been having a relationship for the past 3 years, told me he didn't feel anything for me anymore. Ever since this guy left me for another girl, I have not been able to pull myself together. It was unbelievable. All the promises that he had made to me were not kept. He walked off, just like that. And the reason was this: I don't feel anything for you. Can you tell me what actually happened? How could he do that? He changed my world with a single sentence. Is he justified in leaving me because I no longer exist for him? If this is the case then I don't know what to expect from my future life. Is this the way we are? Just animals? Rupali
Dear Rupali
I am sorry that this man has treated you so badly. No, it's not the way most people are, men or women. Honourable people do live up to the promises they make. The way he left you was callous but it is a reflection of his worth, not of yours. You deserve better. There are plenty of men out there who will be just as appalled at how this man has behaved as I am. I invite you to see that the reason he gave for leaving was just an excuse. I don't know whether it was to cover his guilt at his infidelity and untrustworthiness or if he is one of those unfortunate people who cannot share his emotions and discuss their problems. Whichever it was, you don't need a secretive two-timer in your life. Hopefully you have been able to talk about this to friends and family, and I am sure that they will be supportive and will share your anger at his behaviour.
It sounds as though you may have been turning your anger inwards and blaming yourself, rather than turning it outwards onto its real target: the man who has caused you such pain. Even if he had decided to split up with you, why didn't he do it in a more assertive and respectful way? I invite you to vent that anger safely, perhaps by writing it all out in a letter that you will never send. After a couple of days you might look at it again and rewrite it in a less rageful way. Again, you will not let anyone see that version. If you choose, you might then write a calm, composed and assertive letter saying how you feel and what you want. By this time, though, you may well have realised that you have had a lucky escape and will not want to waste any more time thinking about your ex. Then you could destroy your letters in a safe way.
I hope that soon you will be able to realise how much better off you are without him. Now you are free to find someone who will value you as you deserve and treat you with respect. Your existence and your value do not depend on having unreliable people in your life. You are a warm, loving, loyal woman with a lot going for you. There are plenty of men out there who are looking for someone just like you: independent, hard-working and caring. You might find it useful to work through confidence-building books like Shortcuts to Bouncing Back from Heartbreak or The Positive Woman by Gael Lindenfield.
When you do meet a new man, I invite you to let him earn your trust little by little. Someone who is emotionally available, reliable and trustworthy in small things as well as more important ones and who can let you fully into his life and share fully in yours will be a much better bet. Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince!
But I am sure you will find someone worth loving one day. I wish you optimism, confidence and the good love you deserve. Good luck!
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