Dear Anne
I have a big problem. I am totally desperate for a baby and have been for 12 months. It has got to the stage where I look at baby clothes in all the magazines and I imagine my spare room as a nursery. I have been with my loving partner three years and we have a stable home environment. I don't go out very often to pubs as I don't want to, but I am only 19 years old and worry about what people will say. Please help. I feel that my every thought is about babies. Cathy
Dear Cathy
Thank you for your letter. I wonder what you're getting out of your desperation. Unhappiness, frustration, closing yourself off to other possible avenues of pleasure and support, perhaps. It may be that what you hope to get is that longed-for baby so you can have a perfect family.
There's nothing wrong with having kids provided you've prepared for them. Babies are often noisy, smelly, demanding and dependent. They keep you awake half the night. They puke and grizzle and whine, and grow into kids and then teenagers who argue, answer back, don't do their homework and want expensive things now. They take over large parts of your life for the next 20 or so years, and there's no more just popping out to see a friend without arranging a babysitter or loading a pantechnicon with potties, nappies, spare clothes and other stuff you'll need for the child. The ultimate success in parenting is that your child grows up and leaves you.
OK, so there are good things about kids too. I wouldn't be without my daughter (even though she's currently having a ball on the other side of the world), but I'm glad I waited until I'd done some living first. I invite you to think about whether you've been picturing a romanticised version of a cute baby as providing you with all the fulfilment you need. That's very unlikely to happen. You might find a friend for whom you can babysit for a weekend or at least 24 hours so that you can see whether having a child really lives up to the rosy image you had.
Meantime, what about the rest of your life? Sure, you could have a child at 19. Lots of women do. So do schoolgirls and people in their twenties and thirties. But wouldn't it make sense to enjoy your independence first for a while? To increase your savings, have a few holidays, perhaps take the first steps towards building a rewarding career, buying and furnishing a home and settling in a neighbourhood and community? Why not enjoy being carefree with your loving partner for the last time in two decades? A child's going to cost you at the very least one to two thousand pounds a year, restrict your freedom and curtail your earning potential. How about spending some money on activities you like before you hit the impoverished parent stakes?
You say that more or less your every thought is about babies. That doesn't happen by itself. You are the one who's choosing to think these thoughts, and you're no doubt getting some pleasure from the fantasy. Instead of lurking in Mothercare, how about putting some effort into making your life pleasurable right now, instead of in some nebulous if only future? How about expanding your social life? (Trust me, you'll need some good friends just to keep you sane when you've got kids!) How about living first?
You've got plenty of time to have a child or children. As your partner may believe, because you haven't said a word about his feelings, which is odd because you appear to be worrying about what other people may think. You and your partner are the ones living your lives, so your decision is nothing to do with anyone else. They can think what they like!
The choice, of course, is yours. Good luck to you both or all three!Back to Ask Anne
