I'm A Sucker For Attention - Agony Aunt

Dear Anne

For the last few years of my marriage I felt unappreciated and ignored. I was sensible enough not to have an affair, but found myself becoming obsessed by a close male friend. Now I am on my own, but I still become obsessed when a man shows me any kind of attention. Luckily there have only been two, but the most recent one has been very hard for me to deal with. I finished it as I realised what was happening, but I'm finding it incredibly difficult to cope with. What can I do? Yvonne

Dear Yvonne

What you describe is very common, especially after an unfulfilling marriage. The moment someone pays you attention you feel like a flower reviving after the rain. It doesn't matter how unsuitable the guy is, the attention can still feel good, so you get emotionally tangled. And that, of course, can be hard to deal with.

So how do you overcome this problem? Why not try a two-pronged approach? Firstly, you could build up your confidence and widen your circle of friends so that you get positive attention from yourself and from other people too. There are plenty of confidence-building books and courses around, or you could have a few sessions of counselling which is perhaps the most effective way of raising your self-esteem. Once you feel good about yourself, you won't feel so dependent on attention from men. One way of building up your good opinion of yourself is to write a list of all your good qualities and skills, and realise that you can use these for your own benefit. You can also make a list of all the people who like, admire or love you. These will include both the suitable and the unsuitable people as well as friends and family. It's worth copying it out repetitively: Fred likes me, Janine likes me, Arthur likes me and so on.

As you realise just how many people do have positive opinions about you, you'll discover that you are likable, admirable and lovable. Why not ask your friends, What do you like about me?

The second prong of your approach could be to start looking at your behaviours in past relationships. In your quest for attention, did you try to buy it with being especially nice to these men? Did it work? If you've found yourself cooking dinners when you weren't in the mood or cleaning his flat only to discover he still ignores you, you won't be the only one who's done such things! But these tactics leave you feeling resentful and unappreciated, don't they? So how about giving yourself some useful permissions instead? These might include, I'm acceptable as I am. Lots of people like me so I'm likable. I'm good enough for me so I'm good enough for you. I'm allowed to be important to myself and others. I value my feelings enough to act assertively on them. I can pick men who like being close. I can pick men who like being attentive. I can belong and I can pick men who like belonging. I love and value myself.