Dear Anne
I have been in a relationship for 18 years (15 years married) but all I seem to do is give give give. My husband is a kind man who would do anything for me but he is incapable of giving me emotional support when I need it. We have been through a lot together but when anything drastic happens he turns to me for help and I give it to him, but if I need help he does not know what to say or do. At first this did not bother me too much but recently it has been worrying me as I know I am going to need help he won't be there for me. My mother has cancer and is dying.
My son is a
paranoid schizophrenic and he needs a lot of help. I just don't seem to be able to cope with it all. I feel so overwhelmed at times that I feel like leaving my husband as he cannot be relied on to help me when I need it. So it seems to me that I would be better on my own rather than have to worry about him as well. Any advice that you can give me would be very helpful. Thanks. Margaret
Dear Margaret
Thank you for your letter. I feel great sympathy for you as you have so much on your plate right now. For your own support, I have some practical suggestions which you may already have thought of, but there is another side to this too, and I'll come back to that later.
As a parent you are responsible to a large degree for your son, but you are allowed to get help. Your son's doctor, the clinic, or a medical social worker, may be able to help you out by taking some of the burden from you. Depending on your son's age and condition, organisations like MIND may be able to provide a safe social environment for him some of the time, thus giving you a bit of a break. You can find the closest one through Directory Enquiries. You may also find useful information on the net. I recommend www.schizophrenia.com , which is full of real-life stories of hope. The Macmillans could be very useful in finding support for both you and your mother so that she has the best possible quality of life and so do you. Their nearest branch too can be found through Directory Enquiries.
And what about other sources of support so that you can sometimes have some relief from your responsibilities? It may be that you could make specific requests for help from his father or other friends and relatives. Lots of people feel bewildered when faced with someone who has emotional problems and don't know what to do. This leaves them feeling helpless and therefore reluctant to get involved. However, if you make your requests clear and simple, for example, Will you make John two scrambled eggs on toast at six o'clock?, you are more likely to get a positive response. This tactic of being very specific, and of phrasing your request with Will you ...? gives you the best chance of getting some of what you want.
It's also useful to consider your own needs as valid. Once again, though, making vague statements like I need support can leave the other person (your husband, for example?) feeling confused and inadequate so that they're reluctant to engage with you. If you say clearly and simply how you feel and exactly what you want, you maximise your chances of getting the support you need. I'm feeling frightened. Will you give me a hug? is assertive, recognises your own feelings and the other person's, and is non-critical. Criticism, of course, tends to alienate people.
Talking your situation through with a counsellor could be very useful. Sometimes it's easy to feel as though you are responsible for everyone else's feelings, thoughts and behaviour, and that's a huge burden to carry. It often leads to crystal ball gazing of the most pessimistic sort, which can be depressing. A counsellor can help you find a more objective point of view as well as showing you how to be more assertive in your approach. Being assertive, of course, isn't being aggressive, critical or passive. It means standing up for your own rights while respecting other people's.
As you develop your assertive skills, you may find that you no longer feel the urge to leave your husband because you're receiving more of the kinds of support you want from him, and you're allowing him to take responsibility for his own needs. Making big decisions at a time of emotional crisis doesn't always lead to the clearest of thinking, so you could consider postponing whether or not to separate until you feel stronger anyway.
Good luck, Margaret. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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