Dear Anne
My fiancee smokes cannabis. I hate this and it's getting me down. I'm becoming depressed and all we do is argue these days. I love him but I want him to quit. Because of this he thinks I am controlling him. I don't know how much longer I can cope. Last week we talked and he promised me he'd not do it any more but I came home from work early and caught him smoking. It broke my heart and still does even now that we were so close to splitting up. He says he loves me more than anything and he'd do anything for me but still refuses to see how much he's hurting me and quit.
I want to leave him but I love him so much and I don't want to live without him. Am I being fair wanting him to stop? I don't know where I am any more. My head's all over the place. I hate his addiction (which he can't see) so much. What can I do to keep him and be happy? Please advise me! Sian
Dear Sian
It's confusing, all this, isn't it? On the one hand, there's your boyfriend smoking marijuana. It's now about to be declassified that is, it's no longer an offence to possess small amounts for personal use. It's actually recommended as a painkiller in certain cases, such as for severe period pains or MS, and as a treatment for some symptoms of HIV. I'm told it's also helpful in holding off the onset of glaucoma. It's very useful in reducing anxieties and it can stimulate creativity and relaxation. In many countries it's on sale quite legally and can be used in public places. Most doctors say it's not addictive, and so do hundreds of thousands of members of the public. Prolonged continual use all day every day can result in some lethargy, and as it burns at a high temperature, smoking a lot of it can be bad for the lungs. Many people believe, though, that the main problem with the smoking of marijuana is that it usually involves tobacco, which is legal, dangerous and the most addictive substance known to man.
And on the other hand there's you telling your boyfriend, It's either me or the weed and emotionally blackmailing him in your attempts to control his behaviour. He's a grown man and you're a grown woman. You don't like people who smoke marijuana but he's a person who smokes marijuana. You can't have it both ways. The mature perspective is that your life is your responsibility, and your boyfriend's is his. Are you willing either to accept him as he is and stop trying to make him into somebody he's not, or decide you'd rather be with someone who sees things the same way you do?
To do anything less would be acting disrespectfully towards yourself and any partner. But I can't help wondering if you'd find things you'd want to change about them and whether you'd use your feelings as a weapon ... For all your sakes, I hope not. You're obviously caring and no doubt have many other good qualities. People who use emotional blackmail to control others may get what they want in the short term but over time they're likely to end up in lonely, loveless marriages and I'm sure you deserve happiness.
Good luck in the future to you both.
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