Dear Anne
I'm 28 years old and have been married for almost a year. My wife and I have a happy relationship by and large and have been together for nearly 9 years as a couple. Recently, I made what I now consider to be a huge mistake by sleeping with a prostitute for the first time. Previous to this, I had been completely faithful to my wife and both of us were virgins when we met and so had only had sex with each other until this. I feel incredibly guilty that I have strayed in this way and have no doubt that my wife would be completely devastated if she found out about what I have done. In fact, I suspect it would be the beginning of the end of our marriage, though I'm not completely sure. I desperately want us to live happily ever after but I'm struggling to work out whether to tell my wife or not as I can't stand such a big secret coming between us. I'm absolutely sure I would never do such a thing again and am looking on this as a wake-up call to make me realise how important our marriage is. What do you think I should do? Richard
Dear Richard
Thanks for your letter. What I'm wondering is why you decided to have sex with a prostitute in the first place. Was it simply curiosity? Has your curiosity now been satisfied? If so and your remorse is genuine, are you now as you seem to be determined never to commit adultery again? What steps are you going to take to ensure that you don't betray your wife again? Are you willing to make more of an emotional investment to your wife? To spend time with her, to talk more openly with her so that you can both get more of what you want from your relationship?
I'm assuming that you used a condom when you had sex with a prostitute. Because if you give your wife a sexually transmitted disease, she'll know you've strayed without your having to say a word. And yes, infidelity would be devastating for her. She would be bound to question herself and her worth as a partner, don't you think? And bound also to have lost her trust in you.
If you are free from disease, and if you are determined never to let her down again, wouldn't it be kinder not to confess? Confession is often meant as a quest for forgiveness but it would be damaging and hurtful to your wife, wouldn't it? So, if you're sure you're not going to stray again, wouldn't it be better for her if you kept your guilt a secret?
Of course, if you are going to stray again, by all means tell her as soon as you can. That way she can divorce you and look for someone who will love her wholeheartedly and with honour.Back to Ask Anne
