I Fancy My Same-Sex Cousin - Agony Aunt

Dear Anne

I've just turned 15 and having serious doubts about my life. The thing that is troubling me most is my relationship with my female cousin. My mom and her mom are first cousins. I love her to bits. We've kissed passionately and touched each other many times. I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'm sure that we both enjoy it. I'm too scared to confront her and lose her. She is my best friend. Selina

Dear Selina

I understand your confusion. Teenage love is often a real roller-coaster, swooping to heights of joy and plunging into fears and doubts. While other girls at school are bragging about their boyfriends, you're feeling attracted right now to your cousin. As she's also a girl, you're wondering if you're right to find her attractive, and whether that means you're definitely a lesbian.

Sexuality isn't fixed. While many people in their teens are sure that they're either gay or straight, others pass through phases where for a while they fancy people who are the same gender. In a couple of years you may well be happily dating boys, but for now you're unsure. The teenage years are for trying out different people and different styles of relationship. Oddly enough there's no minimum age for legal lesbian sex, but generally it's a good idea to wait until you're at least 16 for either straight or gay sex to give your body and mind (as well as hers) a chance to develop sufficient emotional skills to protect you.

You say you want to confront your cousin. What do you hope to get out of this? Right now you both seem to enjoy what you're doing, but you're in limbo and that's uncomfortable. It's OK not to be sure about what you want, but it's also a good idea to realise that there are two of you in this and you both have an equal right to decide where you want to go from here. Wouldn't asking her what she wants at least let you know where you stand? And wouldn't it double the resources for making joint decisions?

If she doesn't want to date you, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It just means you want different things. By not speaking out, you're keeping yourself stuck in discomfort. Even if she doesn't want the same as you, your friendship could well survive. As it stands, isn't a lot of your relationship with her based on fantasy and if only? That can never lead to fulfilment.

One last thing. Few teenage relationships last. Nor do you have to make decisions about your sexuality just yet. If you both decide to date, you can both decide how open you're going to be about it, and how you'll broach the subject with your parents and friends. Some people will be hostile or critical but please don't let their reactions paint you into a corner. It's OK to change your mind if you want to.