Dear Anne
I'm a 19-year-old lad with no life. All I seem to do is go to work then come home. I've lost contact with all of my friends from school and don't hang around with them any more. All my mates at work think I'm boring because they never see me out at the weekend. They all have their own mates out of work. They're out at the weekend and going on holiday to Spain stuff I really want to do. Because I don't do anything in my spare time I've noticed myself becoming quiet and avoiding conversation. Please give me some advice because I don't know what to do. Nolife
Dear Lifebuilder
I'm sorry you're feeling so unhappy about what you've been doing with your life. Somehow it's easy to slip into unfulfilling habits and then think that's how you'll always choose to spend your time. But you can make different choices if you want to.
Now you're an adult nobody else can make those decisions for you. A lot of people find it rather scary to leave the sheltering routine imposed on them by school and parents. Whether they leave education at 16, 18 or after university, they feel as lost and directionless as you do. The way out of this emptiness is through your feelings.
Here's how it works: happiness, sadness, fear and anger are survival tools. Happiness tells you to keep doing what you're doing. Sadness says you need to do something different to get what you want. Fear tells you that something is threatening you. And anger gives you the strength to defend yourself.
I invite you to sit down on your own for a few minutes and feel your sadness. Then imagine yourself as an old man, still doing what you've been doing. Do you want your whole life to go that way? If not, isn't it time you started making changes? You don't have to become a completely different person overnight. It's not like jumping over a precipice. You can change a little at a time, step by step, as though you've found a path down to a lovely sunny beach where you can join in the fun. How about imagining now that you're on that beach, having a great time with your friends and perhaps a partner, talking about all the wonderful things you're doing and planning. Make this fantasy as vivid as possible, with everyone responding positively to you and you enjoying that feeling of belonging and closeness. The more you picture or remember people responding positively to you, the easier it becomes to get that great reaction in real life.
Your future isn't one great shapeless blob. It's made up of thousands of separate little moments. The more separate moments you can enrich, the happier you'll become. I imagine that you've also been feeling some fear. The thought of doing something different can be frightening. Shyness being afraid of people judging you negatively actually gets you into isolation where you spend the time listening to your own self-critical judgments. It's an old childhood strategy that is designed to protect you but does it? Or does it leave you feeling worse?
Lastly you may have been feeling anger towards yourself for behaving as you have been doing. The purpose of the anger is to bully yourself into doing something different, but actually what it gets is greater feelings of hopelessness. Tied in with that anger will be your thoughts. Thoughts and feelings, by the way, aren't the same. I invite you to listen to your self-critical thoughts and catch them by writing them down. One of your first could be that you gave yourself a negative label when you wrote in! Then you look for evidence to counter those thoughts. Even a moment's reflection will show you that you know how to be a friend because you have been one in the past. People have valued you so you are valuable. People have liked you so you are likable.
Now's your chance to start doing things differently, one step at a time. You might begin by being a little more chatty when you greet people at work. Asking about their activities and interests is a good start. Mention some of the places you used to go and say you'd like to go to something they're doing, and see how that goes down. Meantime you can set yourself some goals that are simple and achievable. Break each down into single steps. The first might be to go to your library, community centre or leisure centre and see what activities are on offer. The next might be to decide on something you'd like to try. Amateur theatre can be a good one because it's involving and they always need a hand, with scene-shifting if you don't fancy acting! Then set yourself a target date within which you will have started on your new interest.
Here are two other resources which can help get you onto your chosen track. The first is How to talk to anyone by Leil Lowndes, and the second is Shortcuts to Getting a Life by Gael Lindenfield.
You have a life. I hope that little by little you start making it as fulfilling as possible. Good luck!Back to Ask Anne
