Dear Anne
I have been with my boyfriend for seven years. He has been abusive in the past and is mentally abusive now. Lately he has has been even worse. He calls me names on a daily basis and he doesn't realise how much they hurt my feelings. He also does not work. We are both at college and apart from his loan, I pay for everything. If I tell him to get a job he calls me names and tells me it's none of my business. I really have had enough. I am also sure he might be seeing someone else as he hasn't been interested in me in that way for a while. I am on my own apart from him and we are both doing our final year at uni next year (in the same class) so it would be awkward if I leave him and of course I am still in love with him. Please can you give me some advice. Sarah
Dear Sarah
I'm sorry you are being treated like this. Emotional abuse is still abuse, and it does hurt. So does having to carry a passenger who doesn't really contribute. But have you ever asked yourself why you let him keep getting away with this?
You say you are in love with this guy. You are obviously intelligent and I am sure he has many good qualities. However, the nice side of the package is superglued to a lazy, sponging, neglectful (and possibly unfaithful) abuser who disregards your feelings and doesn't value you. With this guy, you can't have the good things without the bad. If this is your definition of good love, carry on by all means. But if you think love is supposed to feel good, stable, supportive and nourishing, and that it's supposed to be a mutually respectful partnership, are you likely to find that while you're hanging onto this a guy who erodes your self-confidence?
While you may make excuses for him (perhaps he had an unhappy childhood or some other traumatic event), isn't it time you started valuing your own feelings? They're sending you warnings that you're unhappy. You don't like it when he doesn't value your feelings, so why do you undervalue your feelings too? You may be waiting for him miraculously to change, but why should he? The way things are now, he's got his bread buttered on both sides, hasn't he? There's nothing to motivate him to change and in any case, change has to come from within. We're not responsible for fixing other people's lives, only our own. Emotional parasites are no more worthwhile than financial ones.
So why do you carry on with this damaging relationship? Let me guess you love him because on occasions the positive attention he gives you makes you feel good about yourself. Wouldn't it be more useful, though, to build up your own confidence so that you don't feel dependent on the odd scrap of attention he feels like chucking you? Universities offer free counselling and this may be a good move on your part. Books like Women who love too much by Robin Norwood could also help you build up enough self-esteem to make the break.
