Dear Anne
I went out with my friends one night and it just so happened the boy I fancied was there too. I am 14 and he is in the year below. He is very mature and has done stuff with other girls his age. He knew I fancied him but I think he was shy because I am older. When he realized I was there he started playing mind-games which upset me and he said, I'll go out with you...not. I think it was one of his mates that added the not but I'm not sure. He had been drinking and so had I. I got really emotional and started to cry and he was really nice and said how much he liked me and made his friends go away so we could talk. He hugged me and told me I was beautiful and ten minutes later we were in a field kissing. He wanted to start intimate petting and I would have let him except he'd had a bit to drink.
He was fine with that and we carried on kissing. Then mid-kiss he said, I'm sober and I don't like you. I believed him for a second but then he said he was joking. Because I looked really upset at what he'd just said, he hugged me and kissed me on the forehead, explaining he only said it to see if I was going to be bothered, then we carried on kissing. He tried several times after that to go further but I refused especially after his little outburst before. When we had to go he held me really tight and I felt safe. When we said goodbye he kissed me as if he didn't want to let go and I didn't want to either. I don't have any regrets but I'm worried he might. I mean,�he was drunk. What if he doesn't remember or if he says it was a mistake? I don't want to be rejected. I can't take it and I really feel that I love him. I need your advice. Please help me. I don't know what to do. Thank you. Anissa
Dear Anissa
I quite understand your emotional turmoil. Here's a boy that you fancy and out of the blue he pays you positive attention then verbally smacks you round the face. True, he apologised afterwards but it doesn't alter the fact that he did it not once, but twice. Here is a lad who likes playing emotional games. He uses his attractiveness and romantic attentions to get what he wants, and that's manipulation. Perhaps, knowingly or not, he subscribes to that stupid old saying, Treat 'em mean to keep 'em keen. Not only is it childish, it's also damaging, and with intelligent, confident girls it doesn't work. Later, when you said no, he took it as a yes and tried to take things further than you wanted, which is not valuing you or your opinions, is it?
It's not a good sign either that you're aware of his sexy antics with other girls. Gentlemen don't kiss and tell. And let's face it, his getting drunk before flirting with you is neither complimentary nor, if you respect yourself, is it acceptable. Also if you stay relatively sober, you'll be in a much better position to handle what's going on without getting upset.
Being held, kissed and hugged can feel really good. No doubt Hitler hugged his partner Eva Braun, but that doesn't make him a nice person, does it? Just because someone hugs you, it doesn't mean he's going to treat you well. Or that he's worth loving. Sometimes when a guy paya you attention it just means he wants some sexual favour in return. Besides, few teenage romances last so it helps if you don't blow this short interlude up out of proportion.
Your hormones are awakening, but girls generally reach emotional maturity before boys do. That's one reason girls usually go out with boys who are a bit older than them. Don't let your sexual desires get in the way of your brain! If a guy treats you well, doesn't play mind-games and is open with you, that's a sign that your relationship stands a good chance of being fulfilling, even if it's only for a while.
So what if this boy doesn't remember your brief intimacy, or worse, says something unkind about it - or you? Given his behaviour so far, that's quite possible, but other people know what he's like and your friends won't believe him. If anyone mentions it to you, you can just shrug and roll your eyes and say, Oh, that! Wouldn't you know he'd exaggerate? and leave it at that. If he says something to you, couldn't you just say casually, Well, if that's what you want to believe ... and talk about something else, or make an excuse and leave?
You deserve real affection, not mind-games and childish behaviour. Or, of course, you could continue to fantasise about what a nice boyfriend he'd be which would cut you off from meeting someone who's consistently nice to you. The choice is yours. I wish you the confidence and fun. Good luck!Back to Ask Anne
