Dear Anne
How do you get over a broken heart? Leigh
Dear Leigh
Suffering from a broken heart means different things to different people, but none of them feels good. I'm sorry to hear this is happening for you. Here are some ideas that may help. You'll know better than I which ones are right for you.
I'd like to begin by asking you a difficult question. Do you actually want to get over it? Most people would angrily retort, Of course I do! but some of them might find there was a twinge of discomfort in their answer. Sometimes people unconsciously believe that if only they suffer enough, their lover will start feeling guilty and sorry for them and so come back to make things all right. Others might believe that they're supposed to have a miserable life as a punishment for some unacknowledged deficiency or sin. Or that by demonstrating massive grief they're somehow validating the love they've lost. It makes sense, therefore, to ask yourself if you're really willing to recover. Once you give yourself that permission, things will start to shift. Let's look at some ways to make that shift to happiness faster.
If you believe that you're allowed to recover but aren't quite sure how to set about it, maybe you've been suffering from some of the common thought distortions. These include things like,I'm lonely now so I'll always be lonely. But there's no evidence for that. Nobody can predict the future except that if you never go anywhere, talk to anyone or make new friends, yes, you are likely to stay lonely. You could learn new skills, go to new places or you could stay at home on your own. Do you want to discount your choices and the power to make them come true?
Another common thought distortion is, My partner left me so I'm valueless. Not true. You still have all the good qualities and skills you always had. You've attracted one partner therefore it stands to reason you can attract another. People relocate, split up or are bereaved all the time so there are always new people becoming available.
You may also have believed that without your partner you've lost all possibility of having good times in the future. It's a mistake! You won't have the good times you'd planned with that person but you can still have a laugh, go out with friends, go on holiday, make your life as interesting and as much fun as possible. You can have different good times if you make the opportunities.
One last word of comfort: you've split up with someone who couldn't make a real commitment to a long-term relationship. That means you're now free to find someone who can and who wants to! Instead of sticking with nostalgia, how about feeling some anger towards the person who's treated you so badly? You can feel your anger safely, promising you won't damage anything or anyone, including yourself. But listen to any warnings your anger is giving you: if you keep feeling you have to try really hard with the next person and you still don't get as much attention as you'd like, you can either say so assertively or move on to someone who is emotionally available.
Anger, fear and sadness will pass if you let yourself learn from them and move on to something more rewarding. In time you'll be fine! Good luck!
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