Dear Anne
I don't really know where to start. I've been with my partner for 4 years and we used to be so good together. Then we started arguing and I've been violent, pulling hair and holding down on the bed. The thing is I know this sounds futile but whenever I've done it I feel so bad and I feel like I'm evil. I keep promising to myself that I'll stop but then it happens again. I'm violent towards myself too and I hate myself for that too but obviously not as much as I hate myself for hurting my partner. I want to stop this. I want us to last forever but I don't know how.
There are so many websites on what to do if you are the victim but nothing on what to do if you are the violent one. I've tried things like leaving the room if I feel too wound up but my partner just follows me and carries the argument on. What can I do? I don't want to give up on this relationship as my partner is my everything. Please help. Annii
Dear Annii
I'm sorry that you are feeling trapped in this cycle of hurting yourself and your partner. Self-harm can feel like a massive release at the time but afterwards it raises big questions and a lot of bad feelings, doesn't it? Similarly, if someone feels frustrated in an argument it can seem like the only way you'll be taken seriously is physical aggression. However, that too only works in the short term, and causes longer-term problems.
It may help you to realise that although you probably feel like the only one in this situation, there are many others in the process of overcoming both self-harm and violence towards others. Realising that this is causing you problems is the first step on your road to recovery, so well done! You may find the website at www.self-injury.info a useful resource, and it's worth telling your doctor what's been going on for you. Both doctors and counsellors are used to dealing with these cycles of feelings and behaviours so please don't worry about being criticised or condemned.
Transactional Analysis is a particularly effective therapy in these situations and if you email admin@ita.org.uk they'll send you a list of practitioners in your area. You may be able to negotiate the cost, or your GP could refer you to NHS counselling. Your local branch of MIND (number from Directory Enquiries) may offer free counselling too, although there'll probably be a waiting list.
So how do you cope with your aggression in the meantime? How about talking to your partner in a calm moment, offering reassurance and love and saying that you hate your aggressive behaviour and want her help in learning to control it? Ask how your partner feels about this, and say that you'd be really grateful if she's willing to back off so you can have time out from your arguments when you need to get your feelings back under control. Perhaps you could negotiate a code-word, or have leaving the room as a sign that you're taking that breathing space, and will listen to your partner when you get back.
During your time out, a distractor such as getting yourself a glass of cold milk or going for a ten minute walk could help. Walking or running if you're fit enough and remember to warm up first is good for working off the excess adrenaline that anger produces. So is punching pillows and shouting when you're on your own. It can also help to centre yourself in the physical, perhaps by putting your hand in cold running water.
People who act violently towards themselves and others often have low self-esteem, perhaps as a result of painful life experiences. I hope you will come to realise that you did the best that you could at the time and that now you are allowed to move forward in positive ways. This can be very freeing, and can help you start recognising and valuing your good points. We all of us do all sorts of things at different times, some bad, some neutral and some good. As you learn to manage your feelings differently and change the behaviours you no longer want, your self-confidence can rise so that you feel good about yourself and can take in the love your partner offers, as well as accepting that other people can like you too.
I wish you self-esteem and happiness, Annii. My thoughts and prayers are with you.Back to Ask Anne
