Dear Anne
After two months of being together my girlfriend and I are on the verge of having our first penetrative activities, both being virgins. We have tried before but she says it hurts badly after going in only a little way. Then she does not want to continue, which I completely respect. What can I do to make it easier for her?
Dear Caring 17 Year Old
How nice that you are so considerate and respectful of your girlfriend! She's very lucky to have a nice guy like you around. But what's the solution?
There are two aspects, the physical and the emotional, which can leave girls experiencing pain in intercourse. They are often interconnected. Let's start with the physical and see what you can do about that.
It's a good idea to spend time on foreplay to stimulate your partner. Working from secondary erogenous zones (mouth, breasts) to her labia, clitoris and vagina, you can stroke, kiss, suck and lick to get her in the mood. Then you can insert a finger gently and slowly into her vagina. The G-spot is conveniently located a finger's length into the vagina on the front wall (nearest her tummy). You can have fun finding it together, but you won't be able to feel it by touch only by her pleasure reaction when you find it.
The object of all this is threefold: to loosen her vaginal muscles up, to stimulate her production of lubricant and to offer her emotional reassurance that she's safe and wanted. Besides which, it's fun. If she's still a little dry after 15-20 minutes, you could use some lubricant such as KY Jelly or almond oil on her genitals and at the entrance to her vagina. She may also prefer to go on top so that she's more in control of the depth and speed of penetration.
The other side, though, is emotional. When women become very tense their vaginal muscles close up and can go into spasm, which is where the phrase Get knotted comes from. This means that it's hard to enjoy penetrative sex, or even to achieve penetration. It's worth talking things through with your girlfriend and finding out what reassurance she needs. She may be scared of practicalities what if she gets pregnant? What if your mum comes in? Working out a safe time, place and way of making love is essential. On the other hand she may also have fears that you'll no longer respect or want her, or that she won't be good enough for you. Talk to her! She may also find it reassuring if you share your anxieties with her and ask for her help.
People with little sexual experience may have some strange ideas about how sex is supposed to be. It's not a performance, and few women achieve orgasm for the first dozen or so times. The closeness, the giggles (well, sex is all a bit silly in some ways, isn't it, what with the way our internal plumbing is arranged?), the expressions of sharing and caring are at least as important as anything else. Enjoy the journey as much as the destination!
I wish your both a lot of fun finding out what your personal preferences are.
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