Dear Anne
I have been going out with a girl for three and a half years. I loved this girl with all my heart and still do. A few months ago, I kissed another girl whilst I was very drunk and cannot recall a thing. It is the biggest regret of my life. I told her and she understandably got upset and broke the relationship off with me. After a few days thinking, she decided to forgive me and we got back together. A few months passed and things were going great. We were talking about holidays and moving in together, then out of the blue, she broke up with me one Monday for good. She began seeing a boy from work on the Wednesday and friends have told me they are happy together.
It is killing me inside to know that she is going out with someone else whilst I am home alone, crying and regretting that fateful night. I love this girl with all of my heart and wish to get back with her, but feel she no longer loves me. Is it possible that she got over me in two days? Is it possible to fall out of love with someone you cared for so much so quickly? Help me please! What can I do to get her back? Tim
Dear Tim
I'm sorry that you are so distressed. Under the circumstances I can understand that you feel like blaming the split-up on your one drunken indiscretion, but it doesn't seem a very realistic way of dealing with the facts. Surely if this girl had loved you the way you wanted to be loved, she wouldn't have been willing to split up with you in the first place, let alone dump you for somebody else? Don't you think she might have been fancying this boy for a while and made herself available? That doesn't sound very loverly on her part, does it?
One of the ways in which we attempt to control things emotionally is by blaming ourselves. That way, it's as if we have only to do something different and it will all come out the way we want it. Life isn't like that, though. I invite you to stop taking all the blame for yourself and look again at that girl. She has hurt you. She may even have put all the blame on you in an attempt to exonerate herself. But relationships need to be able to weather storms, and she has made an excuse to bale out.
That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. There isn't. You know you can do long-term relationships. You can attract girls (after all, you attracted that one!) so you're attractive and will doubtless find someone else. Someone with rather more loyalty! Sitting at home crying for the rest of your life isn't going to bring her back, or help you move on. You have felt your grief. You made a mistake and have learned not to repeat it. It was one short-lived action out of a whole long-term relationship, and it's certainly not the only action on which to judge yourself or to be judged! What about all your neutral actions? And the good, kind ones? What about all the people who've shown they value you even if it is just a stranger who gives you a friendly smile?
So what's next? Thinking back realistically and finding out the less than perfect behaviours of your ex is a good start. Nobody's perfect, after all! And if you've been believing she was perfect, what haven't you been spotting? Aren't you angry at the callous way she dumped you? I would be! Finding your anger (so long as you use it safely for yourself and others) will help enormously. Once you realise how much she has hurt you, won't you be wondering why you ever thought you wanted her back? When you're ready, why not act to find someone who doesn't treat you badly? Who, in fact, treats you with the love, honesty and consideration you'd like to have?
I now invite you to treat yourself as though you were recovering from an illness, which, in a way, you are. Don't you need to give yourself lots of tender, loving care? That's if you're willing to move on. After all, what would you gain out of staying stuck? Talking things over with friends, curling up with an entertaining video or uplifting book, having your favourite foods and drinks and generally being good to yourself are a great start. You live through your senses so why not put yourself at the centre of your life and make the most of your life?
It's also useful to know that you have not lost all the good things in your future. You can still go on holiday, on your own, with friends or, further up the line, with other girlfriends. You can still go out and have fun. You can still build your career, help others, expand your social life and find new partners. You might even choose to work through books like Brian Roet's The Confidence to Be Yourself which can be extremely helpful.
I wish you peace of mind, and better love next time round. You deserve it! Good luck!Back to Ask Anne
