Dear Anne
I am 35 and my girlfriend is 18. Her mum and dad will not like it if I go out with her. We have not told them yet what we feel for each other. Her dad is a friend of mine. I feel I am betraying his trust. I don't want to end it as I love her but to me this is the only way out. Please can you help? Paul
Dear Paul
I can see that you're feeling torn about this situation. However, here are some ideas for you to consider. Perhaps these will give you a constructive way forward.
The reason parents worry about their daughters is that they care about them. They want their girls to be physically safe and not to have their hearts broken. In some cases the parents may also have a religious objection to sex before marriage but you will know if this is applicable to your girlfriend-s situation. Most parents are concerned that too early a marriage may bring an end to the daughter's carefree, career-building years. Parents also fear being cut off from their daughters.
On the plus side, presumably your girlfriend-s father knows that you are open, honest and reliable and are not just after sex. As he is your friend, you will hopefully be able to talk to him openly about what's going on and where you and the girl want to go with this relationship. On the minus side, you have so far acted in an underhand way which has encouraged the girl to be deceitful. Obviously this side gets worse the longer you both refrain from talking about your relationship, so wouldn-t it be better to speak up sooner rather than later?
As your girl's parents presumably love her, they would not want to be cut off from her. They will naturally feel excluded as she has been cutting them out of the loop, and this may have given them some grounds for suspicion. Being open with them gives you all the best possible chance of moving past this sticky patch.
With your experience I am sure you are aware that most relationships begun in the teenage years don't survive. Wouldn't it be a good idea to do some straight talking with your girlfriend? To decide what you both want to get out of this relationship? What sort of a future you envisage together? How you'll cope if you're still together when you're in your seventies and she's a spring chicken in her fifties? Once you've got this sorted out, you may decide whether to call it a day or to put this relationship on a proper, open footing by jointly talking to the girl's parents. You could perhaps do this on neutral territory, say a cafe or restaurant, (you'd probably offer to pay for the meal!) with your girlfriend issuing the invitation and saying that she'd like her folks to meet the man in her life. Or you could hold the discussion at her home at a time when she knows both her parents will be there.
Speaking up would be more mature than skulking about in a secrecy that can't last, don't you think? And wouldn't it be a better way of showing that you can look after her than keeping suspiciously silent? There may well be some anger on her parents' part but once they see you'll stick up for her and help her to do the right thing, you stand a better chance of making it work out, don't you think? At 18 she is, after all, legally an adult. You don't need to get defensive (so long as you're not doing anything wrong!) and you don't need to rise to insults. Calm and dignified is a good approach! It will also help to work out how you're going to address their fears.
This may well be difficult but it won't get any easier by waiting, and if you two really do love each other, wouldn't ending it out of fear be a painful and hopeless way out?
I wish you luck with this.
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