Dear Anne
I have been having trouble recently coping with depression. Like most sufferers I feel very ashamed of being classed as being 'depressed'. Throughout my young teenage years, there was a lot of arguing in the family mainly between my parents and my older brother, who unbeknownst to us was being bullied at school. Sometimes this led to my father hitting my mother and being abusive. At the time of all the arguments I did find myself feeling helpless, because of course I wanted it to stop, and for eveyone to be happy.
My father and brother aren't very good at dealing with emotional problems, being stubborn and prone to temper-tantrums. When my parents would fight, I would find myself thinking, You must break it up, stop them, but I would be frozen on the spot, and would sometimes shake through fear. I did hold a lot of resentment just towards my father, then a traffic accident disabled him, and four years later my brother had a climbing accident. He believes it was through hospital negligence that he ended up slightly brain damaged and suffering from manic depression. Partly this was a result of a chemical inbalance, but maybe it's also partly from anger because his court-case against the hospital for negligence was turned down.
I think I kind of know the reason that I feel depressed. I have very low self-esteem and do not go out with my friends very often. I find myself constantly thinking about what my friends think of me for not going out. They must think I am strange. I just feel so self conscious when I am out. I am quite tall as well, so there's no chance of blending into the crowd. I recently had an admin job straight out of school but 9 months into it, I started to suffer with what I now realise were panic attacks due to my lack of confidence. I had to finish my contract on the sick, and do feel sad that I couldn't see it through to the end. Since then I have been through a 'high' I suppose, feeling like my old self.
I have been unemployed for a month but now I have a job interview coming up and I feel myself slipping back into a depression. The worst part is I feel I don't want my parents to know because of all they have been through with my brother and my dad. When I'm depressed they even say to me, 'Why is this all happening to us?' making me feel even worse. I tried to go to counselling, but I hate the idea of talking to a stranger. I find it hard enough even to get out the house these days, although I feel I should just put up a front that I am OK for my parents. Can you help? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm 20. Melissa
Dear Melissa
Thank you for your letter. I'm sorry you're feeling so depressed. It may help you to know that a lot of life is random: your father's and brother's accidents, for example. You do not deserve bad things, and you are not responsible for other adults feelings or behaviour.
I appreciate that when you were a child you felt helpless during those frightening arguments. Back then you may have felt that somehow it was up to you to get everyone to stop arguing and be happy, but it wasn't your esponsibility. No child could stop adults arguing so please don't beat yourself up about something that wasn't in your power.
You are no longer that frightened, helpless child. You are now an adult with adult skills. I do invite you to separate your feelings from those of your family. You may consider that selfish, but we can't actually change other people, can we? Have all of your efforts, or your mum's, changed your father or your brother's attitudes? The only people who can change them is them! You are allowed to feel your feelings and to express them appropriately, and you need not put up a front for your parents, although of course it's your choice whether you do. They could respond to your feeling down in many ways. They might be supportive, or indifferent, or even blameful and say Why me? again. That's their choice. You're not responsible for how they feel, nor can you make them feel or do anything. Your task in life is to look after your own wellbeing and make your life the best it can be.
As you seem to be suffering from depression and panic attacks, it would be sensible to go and discuss things with your doctor. Although you say you feel ashamed of being classed as depressed, there is no reason to feel that way. You are more than just that label! Depression occurs in one in five men and one in four women at some time during their lives. One of the most comon symptoms is a feeling of failure or inadequacy, but that's just a symptom, it's not the truth! Panic attacks and depression can be effectively treated with a combination of medication and psychotherapy. Both doctors and counsellors deal with such things on a daily basis so you do not need to fear being judged or criticised. You can find more information about panic attacks on my website at www.emotionalmagic.net, but the most important thing to know is that they are not heart attacks, which have different symptoms, and that you can get over them.
You can rebuild self-esteem - or build it up from scratch! It helps to write down a list of all your good qualities and skills. Friends and family may be helpful in seeing good things about you of which you hadn't been aware. You can be glad you have friends and people who love you, so you must be likeable and lovable. Friends may not be judging you in the way you've been dreading and just because you've been doing something up to now doesn't mean you can't change! Working through books like Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers and The Positive Woman by Gael Lindenfield can also get you off to a good start.
