Dear Anne
I have a boyfriend who doesn't give me any sort of priority over his daughter. We live together but he is at present in prison. Before he went away he ran up loads of debt on my credit cards which I have had to get a loan to pay off. He is talking about setting up a trust account for his daughter (who already has thousands left to her by her grandad) to pay into each month for her. He says this is due to having little outlay when he comes out. No mention of helping me pay off our debts. He has always done this to me and put her first in just about everything. I can no longer take it and don't know where to turn. Will this man ever put me first or will I always be second? Karen
Dear Karen
I'm sorry you're upset. It's understandable, though, that right now you feel you're being treated as a second-class citizen. Let's have a look at your options.
Your partner's loving his daughter is great. Unfortunately, being in prison, he's unable to be there for her in any real sense, and maybe this financial provision for her is his way of making it up to her. I'm wondering, though, if you're seeing things in either/or terms: either he loves his daughter or he loves you. If so, you'll be feeling threatened and insecure, and it could be that your attitude alienates him. In that case you'd be less likely to get what you want.
How about if you said something like, I'm glad you love your daughter. I admire that in you. But are you willing to do something to pay off our debts? A compromise solution where he pays something towards her and something towards the credit card bills he incurred would perhaps alleviate your anxieties.
You ask if this man is ever likely to put you first. You've known him a long time. You almost certainly know what the answer to that is, whether or not you want to acknowledge it. However it's important to realise that your value doesn't depend on how he treats you. You are a worthwhile individual in your own right, with your own good qualities, interests and friends. You could find it valuable to work through Gael Lindenfield's excellent book Assert Yourself. Assertiveness is neither passive nor aggressive. It's respecting your needs and rights as much as anybody else's. Asking clearly and assertively for what you want gives you the best chance of getting it. By building up your self-esteem it also helps you develop emotional independence so you'll be better prepared for whatever happens in the future.
Good luck!
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