Dear Anne
I feel like my boyfriend takes me for granted and doesn't care about me any more. I do literally everything for him. I recently left home to be with him but he threw it back in my face and forced me to go back home when he knows how bad my life is here. He keeps making promises but never goes through with them. It's like he enjoys making me upset and cry. He can never make time for me but he can make it for everyone else. I've tried to speak to him but he insists that I'm in the wrong. I just love him so much I don't understand why he's being like this. Please help me. I feel suicidal. H
Dear H
My heart goes out to you. I doubt he sets out to hurt you. He's just so selfish he tramples over you on the way to what he wants. Sadly, though, that's a lesson we all have to learn: just because we give someone good love, it doesn't mean that's what we get back from them. Either a person willingly offers good love or they don't. If they don't, it's because they're not capable of it. It sounds like you've tried so hard to be good to this guy to earn good love - but it's not a tactic that can ever work for anyone. He's used your willingness to please to put him in the driving seat. He's more interested in fulfilling his wishes than in considering yours, and he has less need for closeness than you do. That's not because there's anything wrong with you. It's just the kind of guy he is.
None of us is responsible for the first time we get hurt by someone. But it is our decision whether or not we keep ourselves in the firing line. You know this guy is hurtful. You know he won't accept responsibility for his own actions and tries to blame you. You know he doesn't take your feelings seriously. He can talk the talk but he can't back his words up with actions. And nothing you (or anyone else) can say or do will make him different. As you've discovered, discussing it with him is a complete waste of time. He's the one who decides what he'll do without reference to you.
And you can decide what you'll do. I hope you'll have the courage to realise you deserve better. If you pack him in, beware of the niceness! He'll probably try to charm you into pleasing him again, with the same old promises he's already shown aren't worthy of your trust. Don't get fooled again!
Now, instead of wasting your nurturing on him, give it to yourself! Go and talk things through with your doctor. Find a caring counsellor to help you build up your self-esteem. I'd recommend a practitioner with a background in Transactional Analysis. You could find a TA therapist via www.itaa-net.org/community, or if you're in the UK you can email admin@ita.org.uk to ask for a list of those in your area. If you're feeling desperate at any time day or night, you could contact the Samaritans, whose UK number is 08457 909090.
You don't like your home situation. As you build up your confidence through counselling you can make plans to find a nicer place to be. You could put plenty of energy into improving your work prospects and start saving up for a home of your own, even if at first it's only a bedsit. You could expand your social network by spending time on your interests or doing charity work. Find friends who will help and support you, people whose company you enjoy. You'll feel better sharing your feelings with those you can trust. The more people you have who like you, the less you'll feel dependent on guys who don't earn your trust.
H, you're important, to yourself most of all. How your life has been up to now isn't how it's always going to be. You can make changes, one step at a time, and each little step is a triumph in its own right. Don't judge yourself by the actions of people who can't give good love. Learn to love yourself and you'll find happiness. And you won't put up with poor treatment from others any more. Good luck, and believe in yourself!
