He Likes Me But Does He Love Me? - Agony Aunt

Dear Anne

I'm in love with a guy who means the world to me but I'm not sure how he feels about me! He says he likes me a lot but I'm not sure what that means. I really want to be with him. What should I do without making a fool of myself? Please help. Tina

Dear Tina

Isn't it hard when you don't get the signals you want from a guy? Here are some thoughts which may help you decide where to go from here.

You say you love this guy. Does that mean you envisage marriage, kids, the whole nine yards? Or what does it mean to you? In other words, having a clear idea of what you want is a good place to start. However, you don't say what sort of a relationship you already have with him. Are you casually dating? Have you both set ground rules like permanence and exclusivity? It doesn't sound as though you and he have yet made this decision. The information you've offered is that he likes you. That's clear. It says what he's feeling now is enough for him. He doesn't seem to have offered any plans of where he'd like your relationship to go which means he's OK right now as things are.

It's OK for you to ask where he wants your relationship to go. And it's OK to say what you want. If you both want different things, that's OK too. Not comfortable, but OK. Your self-esteem doesn't rest on being with this lad. You are still your own valuable person whether you're with him or not. And if he doesn't want the same things you do, wouldn't it make more sense to find someone who does share your dreams? Otherwise, if you just hang onto him ad infinitum being frustrated because you want more from him than he's prepared to give, you hand over all your power to him, and that's very bad for your self-esteem. It means you'll always be walking on eggshells, worrying about whether your behaviour pleases him, and that doesn't make for a good relationship either.

It sounds as though a lot of the pleasure you get from being with him is in your thoughts. You fantasise about a future together, about how he'll say and do exactly what you'd like. This is really the rehearsal stage of a relationship and lots of relationships don't make it past this phase. If you consider that you may go out with a lot of guys before you eventually settle down, you'll realise that only one relationship out of quite a few is going to work out.

Rather than depending on dreams about him for your happiness, you could invest some of that emotional energy into developing your social life, your career and your interests. These can help you develop your confidence. Boyfriends tend to come and go whereas your true friendships will always be there. Unless, of course, you neglect them.

It could be worth working through self-help books such as Barbara de Angelis wonderful Are You The One For Me? This can show you that good relationships are ones where you feel completely accepted, warts and all. And I don't think you've yet reached that stage, have you?