Dear Anne
My boyfriend has just set up his own business and out of the blue he suddenly feels that our relationship distracts him from his work. I am happy to give him the space that he needs. He says that it isn't his feelings for me that are in doubt, only he can't spend the time (and money) on me that he feels I deserve. He also reckons that our relationship prevents me from going out with my mates etc. because I stay in with him. This is because I want to stay in with him! He can't seem to see my point of view. Do you have any advice? I'd be devastated if it were to end between us, especially because it only seems to be a circumstance issue. Kate
Dear Kate
It's hard when somebody you love wants different things out of life, isn't it? You do your best to argue, convince and pursuade them ... but it seems you can't get through to them. And then you feel frustrated and helpless. Does all this ring a bell?
I bet it does from his side too. But I invite you to think of things slightly differently. You say it seems to be only a question of circumstances. Not true. Other guys set up their own businesses and still maintain and develop intimate relationships with their girlfriends. But is your boyfriend doing this? No. His choice is to hint that you should move on. I repeat, that's his choice. He's doing his best, in a roundabout way, to say that you're a fun, valuable, desirable girl and for the foreseeable future he's not able to act in ways that are good enough for you.
Why not take him at his word? Do you want half a relationship with a guy who won't make the effort or commit himself to you? You've heard of golf-widows. Do you want to be a work-widow? Aren't you angry at his neglect of you? Aren't you worth more than that? I think you are!
You can, of course, keep the other half of his message too: that you're valuable, that you're fun enough to have good friends and that you deserve a good relationship. He doesn't foresee you having any difficulty attracting someone new, does he? So why should you?
Or you can stay frustrated and feeling stuck. Which is it going to be? The choice is now yours. I hope you%u2019ll value yourself enough to make a self-supportive one!
Good luck, Kate.
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