Dear Anne
I have been married for 8 years and we were together for 10 years. I am going through a divorce at the moment because my husband is a very strange man. He says he loves me, but when we have split up in the past and I have met someone else he has followed me everywhere, even to our local mountain, and has watched me having sex with another man. He did not do anything about it but when he saw me he told me every word I had said and everything we had done. He pleaded with me to go back with him and told me how much he loved me so I did.
About six weeks later he started treating me the same as he did before. I now have started a new life for myself but I find that he just keeps on spoiling things for me and he is turning everybody against me. I feel I can't take any more. What should I do? We have four children together so I can't really get him out of my life completely. Kristina
Dear Kristina
I'm sorry you've been going through such difficult times. On-again off-again relationships are always hard. Being watched in this way must have felt very uncomfortable, but I invite you to consider whether you've been giving mixed messages to your ex. If you make it clear, kindly but firmly, that he's not going to get you back and it's time for him to move on with his life, don't you think he might start letting go?
Should his malicious gossip continue, it may help you to contact the Citizens Advice Bureau so that you can get some free legal advice. You'll find their number in Yellow Pages. Keeping a simple record of incidents will give you a basis for discussion. Or it may be that making official child contact time for him (if that's what the kids and their dad want) will mean he doesn't need to pursue you as he has been doing. Another option might be to set up a face-to-face meeting with him in the presence of lawyer so that you can reach an agreement. If it's deemed necessary, you may be able to get an injunction so that your ex has to keep away from you. Hopefully, though, you won't need to go that far.
At the moment you have good things going on in your life. You're making a new home for yourself and the kids. You're beginning to put down roots and settle into a new community. I hope that you also have the support of friends and perhaps relatives. It doesn't sound like your ex has much going for him at the moment or he wouldn't need to hold onto his anger by spreading gossip about you. The people who care about you won't believe bad things about you, and why should the opinion of others matter? Concentrating on the positive aspects of your life will help you pay as little attention to your ex's unpleasantness as possible. If anyone repeats it to you, you can respond with a laugh and a mocking roll of your eyes. After all, he's the one who's behaving bitterly, so why should anyone, including you, take it seriously?
You may decide to talk things over with your GP, who may have some ideas about how you can start feeling more in control of your life. In the meantime, you might choose to avoid lonely excursions to the country and stick to more populated areas. You and the children can explore all the possibilities of having as much family fan as you'd like.
Now you have the chance to enrich their and your lives, and I hope you can start moving confidently into the future. I wish you confidence and the best of luck.
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