Dear Anne
I have known this guy for a few weeks. In the first week, we went out every evening. After that he spent the second week in the UK for his work. We met up again on the day he got back. A few days after, we started to go out daily again. He then asked me for sex. I hesitated and he asked me when I would. I told him that I didn't want to do it because later he might say, "I think you are not suitable for me" like he did to his ex. After this, he lost interest in going out with me and gradually stopped wanting to go out. What should I do? NN
Dear NN
Thanks for your letter. I do appreciate how hurt you are feeling. However, your distress is telling you that dating this man is uncomfortable. You already know from his past that he doesn't want a proper relationship, just sex. But you want a relationship, don't you? You're looking for love, reliability, intimacy, companionship and commitment, aren' you? Does he act like he wants these things? Not in my eyes, he doesnt'! It seems to me that he just wants to use you (or any other available woman) for sex. Doesn't it look like that to you too? Isn't hoping for more from him like trying to get blood out of a stone? Wouldn't it make more sense to find someone who respects you and likes you as a person first, and then build a relationship where the guy has earned your trust before you contemplate going to bed with him?
So what should you do? How about acting on your feelings of pain that this unreliable and uncaring man has caused you and telling yourself you deserve better? And why not celebrate your liberation from this damaging half a relationship? Now you're free to find someone who will give you the good, nourishing love you deserve. You might also decide to work through some confidence building books, and ones on the topic of good relationships too. I highly recommend Are you the one for me? by Barbara de Angelis, or Women who love too much by Robin Norwood. Confidence-building books could come in handy too.
In the meantime, why not give yourself lots of treats? Hot baths, good videos, nights out with the girls, anything you enjoy. And what about building more friendships? It's worth enriching your life in any way you can. After all, you don't want to spend your time just waiting for Mr Right, do you?
Have fun, NN! I wish you good love and most of all a good life.Back to Ask Anne
