Dear Anne
I think that I am bisexual. I have experimented with one of my closest friends and we are both 17. At first it caused problems with our friendship and we did not talk for months but now we have sex and afterwards we act as if nothing has happened. The problem is that I think he sees it as just sex but I think I have deeper feelings for him. How do I tell him without ruining our friendship? Mark
Dear Mark
It's hard when you care about someone more than they care about you, isn't it? Being 17 and full of insecurities doesn't help either. But sooner or later, whether you get into sexual relationships with men or women, you will find out that for some people sex is an end in itself, whereas for others it's actually an expression of love. It may be that your friend truly does just want sex and nothing more. And if you don't see much of him between times, are you sure he doesn't already have an emotional relationship with anybody else? Or it could be that he's scared to reveal any deeper emotional feelings because he's not sure how he feels about getting into a relationship with another guy.
For that reason you do indeed run the risk of this guy rejecting you if you speak up. On the other hand, your emotions may be telling you that you feel used and unhappy with what's happening now. How long will you put up with that for the sake of a little sex and lots of loneliness? One way forward could be to say something like, I like our time together and I'd like to see more of you. How do you feel about that? His answer may well give you a shove in one direction or another.
In any case it's worth remembering that there really are hundreds of men (and perhaps girls?) with whom you could have other, more rewarding, relationships. Doesn't staying in this limbo mean you're not free to find emotional fulfilment with him or anyone else? And don't you want to be more than somebody's occasional bit of physical release? I'm sure you deserve a good, nourishing relationship. I hope you soon believe that too.
I wish you every happiness and fulfilment. Good luck!
Back to Ask Anne
