Dear Anne
Please help. I think I am going mad. 13 months ago I took in a lodger. He knew I was gay and he was straight, but over the next few months our friendship grew into love and he eventually came out to me and our "relationship" was absolutely fantastic. Then things started to go downhill rapidly. He stole money, wouldn't pay rent to me saying he hadn't got any money and he didn't go to work. I was working over 80 hours a week to keep us both and all this time I believed him when he told me he was sent home from work again due to there being no work available (he works for an agency). Then I began to find out the truth. When confronted, he still lied to me.
I loved him so much I just pretended most of the time that all this would change and it would go away if I ignored it. Then I found out that I have cancer. It is totally curable and I am in no danger but it didn't stop me worrying. Obviously he knew I was at a low point in my life and that didn't stop him being like he was. To top it all, he stole the money I had put aside for the poll tax and tried to deny it. Of course by this time I threw him out but I miss him so much. I feel like I don't want to go on any more. I am not eating - I've lost over a stone in a month. I'm not sleeping and I don't have any interest in work, which I really love. I just don't know what to do anymore. Can you please offer me any advice? I can't go to my doctor. I feel he is totally unapproachable, and I don't know anyone who I can talk to about it. Thank you. Lee
Dear Lee
I'm sorry you're feeling so low. At times things do seem to comspire against us, don't they? To have this painful emotional situation at a time when you have been diagnosed with cancer must be a real blow. So what can you do?
It is common that when people first find out they have cancer, they become particularly low emotionally and therefore especially vulnerable for a time. Once the initial shock has worn off, they can once again find their strength and positivity. For many people, this hint of their mortality means that they determine to make the most of every day they have. Though you are ill you have been told that you will recover completely, and I hope you are getting to a mental place where this is a comfort and an inspiration to make your life as rich and rewarding as it can be.
However, it's not easy to feel balanced when you're not eating properly. I know that the hurt of your lover's betrayal has left you without much appetite, so I invite you to think of things you used to enjoy eating. Cakes, biscuits, ice-cream and chocolate are treats for many people, and as carbohydrates contain a natural tranquiliser, just nibbling a biscuit or two can help your body start building the strength it needs to overcome what%u2019s been happening for you. Complan or other liquid foods could also help you regain your strength and your appetite so that you can get back to a healthy diet.
I'm now going to ask you a very difficult question. I don't mean offence, but for some people it could be the first push towards recovery. Perhaps you are one of them, and perhaps not. Whichever way it is, please forgive me. Do you feel that on some level your losing weight is a way to get back at your former lover? A way to show him and others how much you are suffering? If you think this could be the case, it's quite understandable but it doesn't work.
If your lover really were the caring kind, he wouldn't have treated you so badly, would he? Rather than turning your anger in on yourself, a much better revenge is to go on and be happy and healthy without him. I invite you to contact your anger towards this heartless man for all the nasty things he has done and determine that you will show him how unnecessary he is to your well-being. You can vent your anger safely by making time to be alone and shouting and hitting cushions. Or by writing a poison-pen pen letter to him that you will never send or let anyone else see. Physical activities, whether that's walking or scrubbing the floor, help burn off the excess adrenaline so that you can sleep better.
You're right to think that going to your doctor is a good idea. Although your GP is unsympathetic, you don't need to go into the ins and outs of what's been happening. Just saying that you've had a bad emotional shock should be enough to help you receive any medication he might think appropriate. You also have a right to a second opinion, so maybe there's someone else at the surgery who could see you. The receptionist could suggest another doctor in your area. In any case, counselling could be just what you need, and hopefully your GP should be able to arrange this for you. Or you can email admin@ita.org.uk to find a list of counsellors in your area, and you can usually negotiate fees. As money is rather an issue for you at the moment, you may choose to contact your nearest branch of MIND because they can offer free counselling. In the short term you may wish to ring the Samaritans on 0845-790-9090, or ring up your nearest Gay Switchboard (number from Directory Enquiries).
Meanwhile, as you realise how much better off you actually are without having manipulative, disloyal people in your life, you can also take on board the fact that you are a good, kind, caring man with a lot to offer others. I hope that you will give some of your love to yourself. Now you have broken the ties to someone damaging, you are free to begin finding supportive friends and lovers. You deserve nourishing love.
On a more prosaic note, you can ring your council tax office and negotiate a time-scale of payments with them that should make life easier. You may be liable for a single occupant discount.
I wish you a bright future filled with love, health and happiness. My thoughts and prayers are with you.Back to Ask Anne
