Dear Anne
I hate myself but I don't know why. I feel like everyone hates me, and it has made me hate myself. Why? And what can I do? Mosh
Dear Mosh
Thank you for your letter. I'm sorry you've been feeling this way but believe me, you're not alone in this. I hope you can take heart from the fact that lots of people have felt like this and have overcome it, going on to lead happy, sociable, fulfilling lives. Obviously this doesn't happen overnight, but step by step you can learn to transform your life.
So where does this feeling of self-hatred stem from? Generally it stems from having lived with critical people. Especially if this happened when the individual was small, he or she may adapt a self-critical approach as a way of trying to fit in with the people around. It can then happen that when you go on to school, you don't feel as though you're allowed (or able) to stick up for yourself so then you get bullied as well. That's bad for self-esteem too. I don't know if this rings any bells with you, but why you have felt this way is less important than beginning to feel more positive about yourself.
Usually the quickest and most effective way of building self-esteem is to find a psychotherapist with whom you feel comfortable working. Your GP may be able to refer you to counselling. There may be a branch of MIND, the mental health charity, near you. You can find out from Directory Enquiries or Talking Pages. Free counselling often means there's a waiting list so an alternative is to ring local counsellors (listed in Yellow Pages under Counselling & Advice) and negotiate an affordable rate. Working through books like Brian Roet's The Confidence to Be Yourself can also get you off to a start. There are plenty of books in the self-help or popular psychology sections of bookshops and libraries to choose from. If you're feeling desperate, you might want to visit the Samaritans website at www.samaritans.org.uk .
But the main thing is slowly to change the way you think about yourself. You could start by listing your good qualities and trust me, you have some! Being internet literate and brave enough to ask for help when you need it are two of them! Then, if you've ever done someone a good turn, you can write considerate, friendly and helpful on your list. What else can you put on your list? You will have skills too. Why not write these down and realise you're allowed to use these for yourself to make your own life better?
I's also worth considering your statement everybody hates me with an impartial eye. Some people may dislike you. More people are probably not fussed either way and millions don't even know you so they can't hate you. On the plus side, if anyone's ever been nice to you, smiled at you even, then you have been valued. If you've been valued once, even in a small way, then you know you're valuable.
