Dear Anne
Recently I heard that a childhood friend of mine did outstandingly well on his final exams and also got admission to a top-notch university. That's not really any problem, I mean I'm really happy for him. Yet at the same time, I do resent this because it makes me feel somewhat inferior. We live in different countries but had our exams at roughly the same time. During my own exams I was having a lot of personal problems as well as health problems, and this really affected my performance on them. I'm really unhappy about my exams because I know I could have done so much better. Although I will still be going to the university of my choice, I can't help feeling that I have let myself and my parents down. They are very loving and supportive, but at the same time they really admire my friend for having done so well.
In a way it's unfair because he doesn't really care much for doing well or anything. He doesn't even try, it just comes naturally to him, whereas I had to struggle so much. I can't get over these feelings of guilt, jealousy and inferiority. What should I do? This is ruining my holiday! Anita
Dear Anita
I'm sorry you haven't been enjoying your holiday. Hopefully soon you'll be able to let go of those painful feelings and start having fun!
One way of moving forward is to start valuing your own success. You overcame difficult circumstances to pass your exams with grades your chosen university accepts. Considering you were having a tough time, isn't that a fabulous achievement? Even better that the university you want to go to wants you to attend there! They think you're good enough, don't they? Are you now willing to accept their positive impression of you?
Here's a question. Have you let your parents down? No, because you passed your exams despite the difficulties you were experiencing, despite your poor health at the time, and despite the challenging nature of the exams themselves. Your folks are proud that you are going to your chosen university to do the course you want to do. So that's two sets of people with a positive view of you. Then think of how many people never do GCSE's, let alone A levels or getting a uni place at all, never mind the one they want. You are successful! Your own negative view is outnumbered! Are you willing to start accepting that you're good enough?
Your friend seems to be one of those people who sails through exams without much worry (although most people who say they're not worried about exams but do well have just kept their worries to themselves!). Consider a marathon race. A seasoned runner who's in peak condition won't find it that hard to finish the course. A person who's been ill and therefore hasn't done as much training as he'd like has actually achieved much more, hasn't he? He's overcome the challenge set by ill-health and he's conquered the race! So your achievement surely counts for more?
Under the circumstances it's understandable that you didn't give of your best. But your second-best was good enough, wasn't it? Think how much better you'll do at uni when you can give it more of your attention! Now why not ask yourself what you get out of feeling envious of your friend's success and downgrading your own. You feel guilty and inadequate and unhappy to the point where you're not enjoying your well-deserved leisure. The positive intention behind these negative beliefs is to make you try harder in future, and you're already determined to do that. They've served their purpose so you can let go of them now.
So you're not Einstein. Neither am I. The trick is to apply your undoubted intelligence to making the most of your own life. That may mean working through confidence-building books like The Positive Woman by Gael Lindenfield and applauding your friend's success. It certainly means valuing yourself and your achievements, working hard and having fun too. You are lovable for who you are, not the things you do.
I hope you'll let yourself relax now. Good luck!
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