Dear Anne
Just a short question. My girlfriend and I have been arguing over small things and have broken up. She is very stern that we are not going to get back together. I was just curious if you could guide me to an answer about whether time and space is needed to rebuild foundations etc. Dave
Dear Dave
I'm sorry to hear that your relationship has come to an end. It sounds to me, though, as if you want to rebuild it and your girlfriend doesn't, so here's a question for you.
Why do you want to get back together with this girl? You and she can't agree even on trivial questions. She wants to move on and you want to get her back. In other words, you and she don't want the same things. Since you're already going in different directions, how would you have decided on the big things in life?
Given this state of affairs, I invite you to look at what it was that you liked about her. Granted she had some good qualities, but do you really want to get back with someone who's argumentative and who pushes you away? On-again off-again relationships do happen but even if the people involved get back together and go through a wedding, they're still going to keep arguing and hurting each other, aren't they? So how much of the pleasure in your actual relationship was real, and how much was based on if only ...?
You are still a valuable individual, even more so when you're not going out with someone who's hurt you. You have attracted at least one girl in the past so you'll be able to attract others. You have all sorts of chances to develop your interests, your friendships, your career, your links to your community. Now you've had this learning experience, you'll be able to judge more clearly in future relationships whether this will be the girl for you. And, of course, you'll be able to try out different behaviours and see what results you get with them.
Or, of course, you could go back to your ex for more of the same. I know which I'd choose!
Good luck, Dave.
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