Dear Anne
I've got a twin sister. We are identical but still Mum and Dad like her more. Should I talk to them? Samantha
Dear Samantha
Being a twin can be a problem, particularly if you're identical. Sometimes one twin feels they have to do something to stake a claim to their own identity. Also elements of competition can creep in, particularly while you're young. Young people often feel that there's only so much attention to go round, as though someone gets a big slice, the others get less. In reality love isn't like that. There's an endless supply, but we can be so busy focussing on what another person gets that we devalue what we get. Do you think there might be something in that message which could help you? Are there indicators of your parents love for you that you've been devaluing or just not seeing?
It can happen, though, that parents have different views of siblings, or indeed twin children. It may be that one child is allocated the golden child slot, while the other gets to be the family scapegoat. Some families have to run that way to maintain their stability. If you're not sure whether this is what's happening, is there a neutral observer, perhaps an aunt, family friend or cousin, that you can ask about this? The scapegoat is loved just as much but is important in a different way.
Here'9s another possibility. Could it be that when your parents do something for your twin, you then act up as a way of getting your share of attention? True, it might then be negative attention, like a telling-off, but sometimes people feel that any attention is better than none. How about observing your own behaviour for a while and seeing if there's something you could do differently to get a different result? You do have power to act in ways that get you positive results!
You could, of course, tell your parents calmly how you feel, and ask for specific things you might want, like you might want more hugs. Attention you get by asking for it is worth twice as much because it means the other person values you enough to listen to your feelings and act on them.
While I don't have information to say what's happening for you, you are the expert on what's happening in your life, and you can work out what you need to do to make life run more smoothly for yourself and your family. I wish you all the best with this, and I hope you can accept that you are lovable, valuable and important. Good luck!
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