Dad At Home - Agony Aunt

Dear Anne

I am on flexi-time in my work, which means that there are a few days each week that I work from home. My wife, who is also working, wants me to take care of our 3-years old son while I am at home so that we can save on child-care. Her argument is that children in day-care are going to be less attached to their parents. Is that true? I don't agree with her on this arrangement and we have many arguments because of this. First, how does she expect me to work if I were to keep an eye on our son? More importantly, I think a child at this stage should be taken care by his mother. It is the mother with whom he forms an attachment! I don't think a father can do the job adequately! While we are on the issue of raising kids, I am also concerned with our son because he usually throws a tantrum after brief separation from this mother. I wonder what this indicates about his personality? Joe

Dear Joe

Thank you for your letter. I agree that it can be hard for people who work outside the home to understand that just because you're at home, you don't have extra free time! So let's see what you could do about your situation.

Firstly, fathers are perfectly adequate parents! Or at least they can be if they take the time and effort. Children from around the age of two onwards are actively seeking to form a good attachment to the father, and it can be very hurtful if he doesn't reciprocate. For this reason it's a good idea for the father to share the childcare, at least doing the bath-story-bed routine several days a week as well as finding time to play with the boy and take him out sometimes. Most fathers come to enjoy this time of bonding with their child even if they've been a bit nervous about it at first. After all, men are just as intelligent as women and can solve problems, so it shouldn't take long to get used to looking after the child. It also takes some of the burden off the mother and thus is good all round as it helps your relationship with your wife.

However, any parent who works from home is going to be preoccupied, and that's not fair on the child. He needs to be learning social skills with children his own age, which is a strong argument in favour of nursery care at least some of the time. That's why the French, for example, offer State nursery school provision (�cole maternelle) from the age of three. Perhaps you and your wife can come to some compromise about this. Children in day-care will be just as attached to their parents as those who are at home full-time - provided that both parents spend plenty of quality time with them.

As for your son being upset after brief separations from his mum, that's normal at this age. He needs to learn that he can be away from her and still be loved when he sees her again. After the separation he needs lots of cuddles, preferably before the tantrum can start. In this way he can learn to be a separate but valued individual.