Dear Anne
My mother died seven and a half years ago when I was 8. I don't really remember much of it and try not to show people that it still hurts. The problem is that for the past year it has come to me that I really will never see her again and I feel guilty that some of it was my fault, which I won't go into. Lately I have been crying myself to sleep but try and keep and brave face because everyone's used to me being happy. I know people say it feels a lot better to get things out in the open but I have no one to talk to.
I have a boyfriend of almost a year who says I can speak to him, but I feel if I speak to him he won't understand and I don't want to burden him. My brother has moved to York because since my mother died my father was violent with us. I couldn't move because I have to go to school. He isn't violent often and most of the time it is my fault. Nobody else knows about this and I feel like I'm going to explode. The lack of sleep is affecting my school work and I know if I don't get good grades then I'll never escape from my father. The stress of this leads to less sleep and it all goes round in a circle. Harriet
Dear Harriet
I'm sorry you are in such distress. The death of a parent is always hard, particularly while you're young and have no-one supportive to talk it through with. Guilt is one of the emotions that bereaved people almost always feel. They think, If only I'd done this or If I hadn't done that... but the truth is human beings don't really have the power of life and death. Other normal (if uncomfortable) feelings that go with bereavement are anger that the person we loved has left us, and more guilt for being angry with them for going, and sadness, and perhaps fear of our own mortality and of what will become of us. It's normal to cycle throgh these feelings at different times until eventually we rebuild our lives without that person physically there, and we make a place in our new life for that person's memory.
It's worth knowing, though, that you can get bereavement counselling, and you could ask your doctor about this. He or she will be used to dealing with things like this and will hopefully be able to get you a referral, or you could get the local phone number of Cruse. With a counsellor you could safely work through your anger, your sadness and your fear of what the future might hold. All this will help you build up your self-esteem, which has taken such an unfair pounding.
In the meantime, you could get rid of some your anger safely by shouting and punching cushions when nobody's around. Depending on the state of your health, safe exercise, such as walking, running or swimming, will help you get rid of some of the adrenaline (the fear/anger hormone) that's been keeping you awake, and replace it with endorphins, which are feel-good hormones. Please don%u2t do too much too soon, though, and do allow yourself a warm-up before exercise and a cool-down afterwards. Your school or a local sports centre may offer judo classes or some other form of self-defence, which is great exercise and builds confidence.
The website at http://griefnet.org could give you some support. They have information and chat-rooms. You might also find that a friend's mother could be a useful person to talk to. Writing a journal which you can keep private can be very therapeutic.
Since your boyfriend has said you can talk to him, he obviously doesn't think your feelings will be a burden to him. Most people like to help others with problems. It makes them feel valuable. Besides, he obviously cares about you, so isn't it a bit unfair to shut him out of great chunks of your life? You don't have to tell him everything at once. Just give him one small piece of information to start with and see how he handles it, but don't forget, not everybody responds to stuff in the same way, so tell him how you feel about the event or situation you have just related. Tell him too what you want from him: perhaps just for him to listen and maybe hug you while you cry, or to offer you sympathy, encouragement or maybe some practical help, perhaps with schoolwork or chores.
Now let's talk about you and your dad. Whatever you do or don't do, he is an adult and can choose how he will respond. He could talk to you, ground you, give you a hug, walk out of the room, shout, cry ... but it seems he sometimes chooses to respond with violence. That is his choice, not yours. You don't make him hit you. He's the adult in this situation and has the responsibility for what he does. It is not your fault. You could ring Childline on 0800 919 9300, or you might have another friendly adult you could discuss this with. It may even be possible for you to speak to your brother about it, either by phone or in a letter. You could always get him to send his answer to a friend's address. If you talk to a teacher about this you will get some support, but your father would have to be informed. You could ask for an interview with him, a teacher and a social worker, although you may be reluctant to do this.
I understand how hard it can be to keep upwith coursework and schoolwork when you're exhausted and have worries on your mind. It's OK to tell a teacher that you're going through some problems right now and you'd appreciate some extra help or to have an extended deadline if that's possible. You don't have to discuss what your problems are if you don't want to.
You will be able to escape from your father. You won't still be living at home when you're thirty, will you? In a year or so you will be able to leave school if you want to. People do leave school with no qualifications at all and still get jobs. Then they can catch up by going to night school or day-release. You care about your education so I'm sure you'll have some fair grades in any case. Even with a low-paid job in the first instance you could go and stay in a YWCA or other hostel until you have built up some savings or decided where you want to go to from there. In the meantime, as you get older, you'll be able to spend less time at home and more time with people who are nurturing and supportive.
I am sure your mother wouldn't have left you if she had had any choice in the matter. You are lovable, sensitive and caring. You deserve good things, good friends and good love. Although your escape may seem like a long way off, you'll get there, and find the support you need. If you don't put up with people who don't value you for a single moment more than you have to, you'll also find nourishing friendships, a job you can enjoy, hobbies that enrich your life, a nice place to live, a pleasant community with whom you can enjoy a sense of belonging on your own terms, and a boyfriend who will offer you the kindness and security you deserve. I am only sorry that this may take a while, but I promise you, you will work through this and come out OK the other side, particularly if you can ask others for help.
Dear Harriet, I do feel so sorry that you're experiencing these dark times, but people do survive bad things and get to the sunshine on the other side. So will you, and it'll be easier if you can focus on what you're doing at any given moment. That'll get easier with practice. Good luck. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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