Bereavement Makes Me Feel Lazy - Agony Aunt

Dear Naomi

My condolences on the death of your mother. I'm sorry you've been having problems getting through the bereavement process but it is a process and you will get through it. The thought patterns you describe are pretty typical with the loss of someone close. The repetitive thoughts of wanting to see her just once more, your sadness at her long illness, the feelings such as some responsibility for your sister's emotional wellbeing, feeling rather overwhelmed by the demands of life and your children, not having the physical or mental energy to do your usual tasks, the worry that maybe you're over-refining or being boring, the belief that you can't talk to anyone ... they're all common with bereavement. It's not that you're inadequate or anything. What you're describing is well within the parameters of normal. So how can you start helping yourself get past this painful, stuck phase?

It may help you to talk to other people who've been bereaved. The website at www.griefnet.org could be your passport to this. Or you may wish, even if you're not particularly religious, to talk to a religious leader. They'll be listed under Places of Worship in Yellow Pages. Lots of counsellors offer bereavement support too. It would also be an extremely good idea to go and talk to your GP about what's happening for you. It may be that medication, if appropriate, could help you in the short term until you've gone further through the bereavement process. You could also ask him or her whether you could have a sick-note for a few days, which might give you a bit of a chance to catch up with yourself.

The four tasks of mourning or acceptance, anger, sorrow and rebuilding your life with a new place in it for the deceased person's memory. People don't go through each stage just once but tend to cycle through each one over and over until that task has been accomplished. It's usually in the acceptance phase that people think repetitively about the one they've lost. Anger can be turned inwards or outwards. Common types of it are unfocussed rage against the universe, annoyance with relatives who are stuck in their own loss or otherwise not helping us, short temper with anyone and everyone, anger with the person who has died (as though they had some choice in the matter) because they've left us, or guilt and self-recrimination such as you describe. You and your sister could ask each other how you can help each other and whether you both want to talk about your mum and your loss. This would be healthier than you thinking you're responsible for your sister's emotions (assuming she's a mentally competent adult, she's responsible for herself). As for your children, it's OK to tell them that you're still grieving for your mum so are they willing to (...fill in your assertive request). Although you may perhaps be scared to allow your sorrow full flow, it's OK to cry. To yell. To howl. Sometimes it's nice to cry with someone else, so I hope you've not been trying to hide your grief. Your dad is dealing with his loss in his own way and I'm sorry if that's not a way you like, but you're allowed to ask politely for more of what you want. It doesn't guarantee getting it but it does maximise your chances. Despite your sorrow you can allow yourself to know that because of your mum, many lives have been touched or created, so in some senses she goes on. Religion may be helpful in the belief in an afterlife. Even though you've lost her through illness, please don't forget the many good years she had first and the love she had for you. Hanging onto sorrow isn't an act of loyalty but a betrayal of that person's love for you. She wouldn't want you to stay unhappy, would she?

I hope you'll seek the help you need, allow yourself to grieve and acknowledge that you have the right to recover at your own pace, and to enjoy your life as much as you can. My thoughts and prayers are with you.