Dear Anne
I have been married now to a wonderful man for nearly a year. I have 2 children from a previous relationship and so does he (but they don't live with us). My children's father is a total waste of time and has never been a father to them. I have finally got what I always wanted and am settled in a nice home. The problem is I would love a baby of our own and he is set on his vasectomy in November. It's breaking my heart. Am I being selfish? Incidentally we have money problems at the moment. I'm 34 and he's 32. But maybe when we are a bit more comfortable ... Jackie
Dear Jackie
Isn't it difficult when you want a child and your partner doesn't? It sounds, though, like he's definitely not wanting another child. I presume you already have your two around, and perhaps his children visit too.
I invite you to consder why you want a baby with your wonderful new husband. Do you perhaps see it as an affirmation that you're together? Or as a statement to the world that you're man and wife? Do you think, though, that doing the opposite of what he wants is likely to bring you closer together? He's already coping with financial stress as well as a pre-existing family. Are you willing to accept this as an expression of his love?
As you're already going through some tough times financially, is there anything you could do to improve the situation? Would you be able to help support your family if you had another child as well?
Here's another point you might like to think about. The population of the world is doubling every thirty years and our overcrowded planet is suffering from it with globabl warming and so on. You two already have four children between you. Is it fair to bring a fifth child into existence? Your children have already had to accept a stepdad. How would they feel about yet another person sharing your affection?
Without exerting emotional pressure, if you still want another child, why not ask him if he's willing to postpone his vasectomy until after you conceive? If he's not, wouldn't it be better for your relationship with your wonderful husband to concentrate on him and the kids you do have? To give him and them that abundant love you have? And as your existing children grow up, would you be willing to invest your energies into building a career and an independent life for yourself, as well as putting your strength into growing your marriage still further?
I hope you and your husband can reach a mutually agreeable solution. Good luck!
Back to Ask Anne
