Have you heard the one about the family who fancied boiled turkey eggs for Christmas Day breakfast? Or the guy who had to delay his Christmas dinner for 2 days while the turkey thawed?
Well, the British Turkey hotline has! This SOS phone number for Christmas crises is manned until 5pm on Christmas Eve - and as the countdown to Christmas gets closer, the callers get desperate: Which end is which?: It won't fit in the oven...How can I stop the gravy spilling in the car?...How do I speed up the cooking to stop everyone getting drunk before dinner?
Q: How do I cook a turkey crown?
A: Exactly the same way as a whole turkey
Q: Can I stuff both ends?
A: Only stuff the neck cavity. For extra flavour pop a wedge of onion or lemon and herbs in the body cavity.
Q: How can I be sure that I am buying the best quality turkey available?
A: Choose products labelled with the Quality British Turkey mark - turkey meat reared on British farms backed with the best assurance of quality.
Q: How many people will my turkey feed?
A: A 4.5kg (10lb ) turkey will feed 10-12 people. A 6.5kg (14lb) will give 16-18 portions.
Q: How can I tell it's cooked?
A: Pierce the thickest part of the thigh with a skewer. If the juices run clear the turkey is cooked. If they look pink, return to the oven.
Q: Why can't I have turkey eggs for breakfast on Christmas morning?
A: Turkey eggs are not available on a commercial scale simply because there is very little demand. They are also expensive to mass-produce as turkey hens lay only 4-5 eggs over 24 weeks. You may find them being sold at farm gates.
And some of the more worrying calls:
Q: Can I cook my turkey until it's half done, then finish cooking it at my mother in laws? A: No. Invite her to yours or take the turkey round and cook it there.
Q: I want to cook my turkey at home and then drive to Norwich to eat it at my daughter's. What's the best way to keep it warm? Hotline: How far from Norwich do you live? Caller - about 4 hours drive.
A: No way!
Q: Help - my turkey's too big for the oven. What shall I do?
A: Cut the legs off and treat it as a crown roast. Cook the legs separately (if you are feeling fancy, try boning them, stuff with sausage meat, wrap in bacon then foil and roast in a medium oven).
Q: (Harrassed guy phoning at 4.30pm on Christmas Eve): What time should I get my 25lb turkey out of the freezer?
A: (Putting on a very cheerful
voice): Why don't you go to friends for Christmas Day lunch and invite them back to yours for turkey and all the trimmings on Boxing Day.
Q: Can you tell me how to cook my Christmas chicken.
A: No!
And if you've still got a question, call 0800 783 9994 - it could be the best present you give yourself this Christmas!
Safe cooking and defrosting times for turkey.
Check out some great Christmas recipes.
Still confused with defrosting and cooking your bird? Use our Turkey calculator to help.