6) Queen & David Bowie - Under Pressure (1981)
It seems no festivity is complete without the late, great Fredster. But this one, placed up against Queen's other big Christmas hit, Bohemian Rhapsody, just fades into nothingness. This has much to do with the doleful Bowie, who could never match La Mercury in the vocals stakes. Indeed, is it not an established fact that every Bowie duet ever is absolutely horrible? Remember Dancing In The Street? Point made.

7) Bing Crosby & David Bowie - Little Drummer Boy (1982)
Point made again. Poor Bing. He did more than most to drag music towards a new jazz dawn, and he was a prime mover in the civil rights movement, constantly fighting to get black performers onto white-only stages. He certainly deserved his eternal rest. But, only five years in, the ever-desperate Bowie chose to trash the poor fella's memory like this. Ha-ra-ha-bom-bom, indeed.

8) Kylie Minogue & Jason Donovan - Especially For You (1988)
No, we've had MORE than enough Minogue already this year, thank you.

9) George Michael & Elton John - Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me (1991)
Let's move straight on to Kylie's buddy, the Emperor Eltonius. At least, we ASSUME he's her buddy, as he seems to be everyone else's. This was an absolute scorcher, made all the more suitable for Chrimbo by the fact that all proceeds went to London Lighthouse and the Rainbow Trust. A wonderful gesture - but why were they singing about being vampires?

10) Peter Sellers & Sophia Loren - Goodness Gracious Me (1960)
One of the oddest duets in history, this is taken from the movie The Millionairess, where Loren played a rich woman trying to snare sweet Indian doctor Sellers. You can't get away with presenting Asian people like this anymore.

11) Patrick MacNee & Honor Blackman - Kinky Boots (1990)
Ah, yes. THIS is more in the festive spirit. Christmas is definitely time for trying something new, and what better than slipping into a pair of thigh-length, soft-leather turn-ons? The ladies could try it too! Honestly, this one's a must for all party tapes. Everyone, but EVERYONE loves The Avengers.

12) Wilfrid Brambell & Harry H. Corbett - Steptoe And Son At The Palace (1963)
And Steptoe, possibly because Wilfrid Brambell is the easiest impression to do, ever. Apart, perhaps, from Larry Grayson. Both are guaranteed to get you a laugh, even if you're not, as a habit, remotely amusing. In these trivia-obsessed days, S&S At The Palace has taken on a new importance. If you can track down a copy, play it at your Chrimbo do, and freeze the blood of every Christmas know-all in the house.

13) Renee & Renato - Save Your Love (1982)
Renato has since, of course, been wholly overshadowed by that johnny-come-lately butterball, Pavarotti. But, back in those halcyon days of '82, before Gazza's tears and Nessum Dorma and all that, there was only one Italian Big Man, and Rezza was he.

14) Frankie Vaughan & The Kay Sisters - Gotta Have Something In The Bank, Frank (1957)
That thing we were saying about duets tapping in to the essence of Christmas? Doesn't apply here. A mite on the materialistic side, we think - unless you're Chairperson of Marks And Spencer and really have to watch the pennies.

15) Bing Crosby & Grace Kelly - True Love (1956) THIS is more like it. A proper Christmas hit, from a proper movie - in this case High Society. See how much better Bing was when he had a decent partner? In fact, see how much better he was when he was ALIVE? Shame on you, Bowie, SHAME on you.

16) Frank Sinatra & Sammy Davis Jr - Me And My Shadow (1962)
Also in High Society, of course, was goodhearted ole Frank, and here he did Sammy Davis a REALLY BIG FAVOUR by letting him sing. When, oh when, will the world's collective insanity cease? WHEN will it be accepted that Sammy Davis was an INFINITELY finer performer than Sinatra? Indeed, when will it be accepted that Sinatra was no more than a needy, spiteful, spoilt, bullying little thug who, perhaps more importantly when it comes to music, HAD NO SOUL? There, it's said now.

17) Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell - The Onion Song (1969)
Terrifically poignant, this one. These two had many a hit together, but this was their last. Terrell died in March, 1970, having endured eight separate operations on her brain. It would be revealed years later that, so ill was Tammi when they came to record this, Valerie Simpson stood in for her. Their last hit, and Tammi was already gone. Terribly sad.

18) Bobbie Gentry & Glen Campbell - All I Have To Do Is Dream (1969)
From the same year, and much easier to listen to, being as Gentry had got out of her system all that nasty stuff about kids jumping off bridges. Nevertheless, this is not particularly Christmasy. You shouldn't be missing your loved ones, even if you CAN dream them up and feel better. You should BE with them, understand? BE with them!

19) Michael Jackson & Paul McCartney - Say Say Say (1983)
Eighteen years later and they're still going strong. Jacko goes to Number One with Invincible, with Macca, still riding high on the Beatles anthology, selling out all-star benefits in New York and releasing his OWN solo effort. Wow. Actually, isn't that a bit boring? Can we have someone new now, please?

20) Keith Harris & Orville - Orville's Song (1982)
A double-act so nice they make Cliff and Olivia look like Burke and Hare. And Christmas is about being nice to each other, right? So Keith and Orville could really be described as The True Faces Of Christmas (other than Santa, who doesn't exist - HA!). So, here's an idea. In order to spread the true message of Christmas, what it means etc, let's give K&O their own Christmas Day Special, between 12 noon and, say, 9pm, on, perhaps, all five terrestrial channels, with a short break at 3 for the Queen's Speech. Actually, strike that. From now on we'll have Orville making the speech. He may be green and emotionally manipulative, but his heart is big and strong. HE could lead us through these troubled times. We need him now, more than EVER.

Check out our Christmas radio play list in the Tiscali Radio section