Have you got a favourite? Pick your way through our choice Chrissy top tunes below.
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Much money has been spent, and much blood has been spilt to achieve the prestigious top spot, come Christmas.
For some reason - perhaps the smell of pine cones or roasting turkey - the competitive juices start coursing through the already crazy world of pop. And the results? Often deeply regrettable, it must be said. But here's the very, very best.
1) Rolf Harris - Two Little Boys (1969)
Many have attempted to distill the very essence of Christmas in a song. Sir Cliff tried it with Mistletoe And Wine. Harry Belafonte, Boney M and Johnny Mathis gave it a go with versions of Mary's Boy Child and When A Child Is
Born. But the true spirit, the real deal, has only ever been captured once - by Rolf in this not-remotely-homosexual anthem about, er, giving and taking.
2) Jona Lewie - Stop The Cavalry (1980)
He'd inveigled his way into our hearts before this. As a member of Terry Dactyl & The Dinosaurs, he'd hit Number Two in '72 with Seaside Shuffle. As Stiff artist Jona Lewie, he snuck back years later with the uncomfortably true-to-most-lives You'll Always Find Me In The Kitchen At Parties. And then came this jingling wonder, which engaged in bloody hand-to-hand combat with There's No One Quite Like Grandma by St Winifred's School Choir (featuring that vile little gap-toothed ginger-nut). A tad sad, of course, but then
isn't Christmas itself a little sad? No? Oh. Can we come round YOUR house this year?
3) Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody (1975 and 1991)
The biggest of them all and, being as it went back to Number One following
the death of La Mercury, perhaps the biggest there will ever be. But, as we all need desperately to believe, size doesn't matter. And, though its penultimate section of the song is the only music in the world that can impel
absolutely EVERYBODY to headbang, Bohemian Rhapsody is a morbid tale of murder, trial and execution and thus just isn't very Christmas-y. So it couldn't have ever made it to Number One here, right?
4) Elvis Presley - Return To Sender (1962)
An honorary mention must go to The King who, before the advent of The Beatles, dominated the Yuletide charts. In fact, he was still popping up long after the Beatles had gone. In FACT, he was still popping up long after HE
was gone. 1960 saw the first biggie, It's Now Or Never. Then came this one, where the Pelv hints at everyone's worst Chrimbo nightmare - all your cards come back marked Now, What Makes You Think I Want YOUR Best Wishes? Harsh,
but Christmas is a time when we can conquer these demons. By drinking. And singing.
5) Pink Floyd - Another Brick In The Wall (Part 2) (1979)
It was a novel idea for a Christmas video, having massive
schoolmaster-machines with enormous canes stalking children, then shoving them through mighty mincers. But the kids loved it. They loved the dumbo rebellion of the song ("We don't need no edu-CA-tion"), and found in Roger
Waters one of the few artists whose self-obsession and self-pity matched their own. Then January came around, and they all went back to school without another word about thought-con-TROL. Hardly Che Guevara, eh? Little chickens.
Beuuurk! Buck, buck, buck!
6) Culture Club - Time (Clock Of The Heart) (1982)
Well, he LOOKED like a Christmas tree, didn't he? Ho, ho, ho! Given that most of the great Christmas singles are actually quite difficult, conjuring worlds of pain and suffering that we, as Christian souls with way too much money, should alleviate in the name of St Nick, perhaps we should have picked the Boy's later Victims. But that, sadly, was kept off the top of every chart going by the monstrous Flying Pickets. So, Time it is.
7) Dave Edmunds - I Hear You Knocking (1970)
With its cutting, and refreshingly unseasonal refrain of "I hear you knocking, but you can't come in", Edmunds rock'n'roller perhaps should be tossed out on its mean-spirited ear. But, back in 1970, with Vietnam on fire
and the world on the edge of mutually assured destruction, we really did need someone to fight off Clive Dunn and his horrible, horrible Grandad. Dave managed it for a while, and for that we should be eternally grateful.
8) Slade - Merry Xmas Everybody (1973)
It would be wrong to discount Noddy's perennial hit simply because we've heard it more often than the Coronation St theme. Yes, it's tedious. Yes, we're sick to death of it. YES, we would happily melt down all remaining copies and give Slade a hot vinyl enema. But, to be fair, this was a corker once. And, historically speaking, it did inspire everything Noel Gallagher ever wrote. So, thanks Slade. Thanks a bunch.
9) Benny Hill - Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West) (1971)
A terrible tragedy, what happened to Ernie. Terrible for him, the poor galoot, and even worse for us. After all, without this track would we ever have suffered the West Country leerings and sniggerings of the heinous Pam
Ayres? No, we wouldn't. But we can't hold Ernie responsible for that, only for making a nation's children weep hot tears of sorrow on a Christmas afternoon. Well done, that man! And welcome to our chart!
10) John Lennon - So this is Christmas? (1981)
About this time of year, we remember John Lennon are bit more than normal. Is it because it's around the anniversary of his death? No. Is is because of Yoko Ono's ever-present publicity hunt to sell some more merchandise? Nope. It's because onto our airwaves comes this peach of a Christmas tune, if not THE Christmas tune, on which Lennon is at his most succinct and poignant, and also replete with Yoko on backing vocals. She never sounded so good! A merry Christmas to ya! And for all the musical pedants out there...well it nearly got to number 1, right? Number 2 is close enough for us.
GIFTS, GIVING AND PRESENTS
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